Take It Or Leave It

For most of my life I've lived in the shadow of other people. I've compared myself to this person or that person, never believing that I quite measured up. But to what standards? The answer is to those that are impossible for any human being to measure up to. I have taken images of people that seem to have it all together. I have gathered these bits and pieces from various people and pasted them together to make a collage of virtual impossibility of perfection, and then hung it on the bulletin board of my mind so that I could become that perfect individual.

When I take a deeper look at those seemingly perfect individuals, I have been confronted with a striking truth. No one person is perfect. No one person has it all together. It would seem that after the number of years I have been on this earth that I would be aware of this. But, it's funny how I, and other individuals like myself, can be so easily deceived into thinking that they have to fit someone else's idea of what the perfect person is to be accepted and loved. WHATEVER!!

I want my kids to learn early on that it's ok to be who you are. I want them to be able to look at themselves in an open and honest manner and see their positives and their negatives. I want them to be able to use the strengths and the gifts that they've been given to their fullest potential. But I also want them to admit their weaknesses openly and to try to make changes and improvements where necessary. I don't want them to be afraid to fail, because at some time, or many times in our lives we all fail. I want more than anything for them to see exactly who they are and be able to love and respect themselves and not give into the temptation to become something they aren't to please someone else. I want them to not make the same mistakes that I have, even though I know that they will make plenty of their own.

I made a list of qualities about myself, both good and bad, and things that just are who I am. I made this list in hopes that someday soon my children will see this honest evaluation of myself, and be able to do the same for themselves.

I am mother, sister, daughter, grand-daughter,niece, aunt, friend, and soon to be ex-wife. I am an emotional roller coaster. I cry one minute and laugh the next. I lose my temper and then I learn how to control my anger. I hurt for myself and I hurt for other people's pain. I expect too much and I expect too little. I am a singer and a writer. I believe in others but don't believe in myself. I am a believer but I get caught up in sin. I am intelligent yet sometimes foolish. I love deeply. I build walls to protect myself when I am hurt by someone which causes me to be unable to love the way that I am called to. I forgive but then I don't always forget. I am weak, and then I am strong. I depend on myself too often. I have a difficult time trusting others. At the end of my life I want to be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to be the best person that I could be, even though I know I won't ever be able to do everything right.

This is the person that I am with all my strengths and weaknesses. Either people will love me for who I am, or they won't love me at all. And either way, I will be ok with that. Someday I hope that my kids will be able to come to terms with who they are, the good and the bad. And I hope that they will be able to stand up for themselves when someone wants to change them for their own gain, and say, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it."

I Don't Know

I think, therefore I must ask "why".

Well, maybe I don't really have to ask why, but that is the nature of my beast. I am a need to know kind of person. If something doesn't make sense to me, I will dig and prod and poke around and then dig some more until I find my answer. Sometimes the answer satisfies me, and sometimes it doesn't. And if, by some chance, I cannot find an answer, I will inevitably torture myself by running the "what-if's" and "how can that be" 's in a maddening, never-ending circle until I've made myself dizzy with the senselessness of it all. You would think by now that I would stop this relentess run on the hamster-wheel of the quest for answers. I can only hope that someday I will...

One of my biggest struggles is with the matter of feelings. I have so many thoughts on this subject, and one question leads to another, to another, and to another until I end up like a cat chasing my own tail. To get a better picture of how my complicated mind works, here are a few of the questions and/ or thoughts that compete for my attention:

Question: Why do I have feelings that allow me to feel pain and suffering? Thought: But if I didn't feel those things then I wouldn't have compassion for people who are suffering. Thought: I can't always trust my feelings because they can be misleading. Question: Then why do I have feelings in the first place? Question: What is the purpose for these feelings if they can cause me to be so misguided? Thought: But if I didn't have feelings, then I wouldn't be the person that I was meant to be. They are a huge part of what makes me who I am. I think and I feel everything from the very deepest parts of my being.

I think it is evident now that I can exhaust myself by allowing my mind to roam freely. The truth of the matter is that these are all valid questions and thoughts. The problem, however, is that I can ask these questions til I'm blue in the face and I still won't come up with the answer to my "why"'s. At least not for now, and maybe I never will have them.

There are times when my kids will come to me with questions or dilemmas. For the most part I am able to use the experiences I have had in my own life to instruct or answer them. But there are times when they have questions that I just don't have an answer for. To be honest, I have struggled with this. I feel that as their mom I should be able to provide wisdom for them. But, how am I to do that when I don't even understand everything? In a way it's kind of scary knowing that I'm trying to raise children while I'm still groping my way around in the dark. But then again, it's not really that scary. Because I have learned that I can use one little phrase, and that there is nothing wrong with having to use it at times. The phrase? "I DON'T KNOW".

I have come to the conclusion that it's ok to admit that I don't have all the answers. I can admit that to my kids, and I can admit that to myself and to anyone else who is willing to listen. I am human, and I can't possibly know everything there is to know. And even more, I can't drive myself batty worrying about why things are the way they are and trying to make sure that all the puzzle pieces fit neatly into place. Life is not like that. If we were supposed to know everything we would. And the thing is, I am learning to accept that I can put my mind to rest knowing that even though I don't know all the answers, there is Someone who does. I want my kids to grow up knowing that they aren't expected to be perfect; that there are going to be things for the rest of their lives that they will puzzle over. But my hope is that they won't be as entangled in the trap of believing that they have to have answers for everything. There is such freedom in being able to say, "I DON'T KNOW".