The End of the Road

It will never cease to amaze me how one single day can have so many ups and downs. How so many emotions can be felt within a matter of hours, or sometimes even mintues.

Those who know me best are keenly aware of my already emotional nature. To be completely honest, sometimes it drives me batty that I can laugh one minute and then cry the next. And I am often carried away by my emotions. (I am learning that there are times when it's a good thing that I feel so deeply. But I have to be cautious about being ruled by my feelings too.)

Today my emotions got taken for quite a ride. To start out with as I was driving to drop off Meg and then on my way to work, I remember feeling thankful that I was not one of many cars that I saw in the ditch due to poor driving conditions. And yet, as I pulled into work and went running to the time clock, only to punch in a minute late, I was griping instead of being thankful that I had made it safe and sound. But it's funny, now that I think about it, because as I was driving, I remember thinking how it could only take a second, and I could get into a wreck and then nothing else that was going on in my life would matter because my life could be over just that quickly. But I'll come back to that.....

As the morning went on, I found that I was very much enjoying myself talking with the people that I work with, and just being thankful that I have work to do and a good place to do that work in. Then the worry of driving again in poor conditions. Next stop is picking up the kids and laughing my head off at a silly friend. Then comes a call where I get my rear end chewed off for nothing. And tears, streaming down my face from the sadness that turn into tears of gratitude when I hear a song that reminds me of God's unending and undeserved love for me. And then the tears of sadness again as thoughts of how I want my life to be enter the picture. And still crying, I pull up to the mailbox, find a Christmas card from a "Secret Santa" who has sent an unexpected gift, at which time the tears change from tears of sadness to tears of utter thankfulness. (By the way, I pray that whoever the Secret Santa may be, and all of the people who have helped me out in so many ways will be blessed immeasurably!) Later still, as I am shoveling, I am heavy-hearted at the thought of bearing burdens alone.

But then a moment of clarity comes, and I am reminded of a chapter in Ecclesiastes that my mom had suggested that I read. Chapter 9 verses 7,10,11, and 12 say this: "Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working or planning nor knowledge nor wisdom. I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all. Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come..."

That last verse is the a truth we all have to face. There will be an end of the road. No question about it. And all of the things that happen in a given day are just the twists and turns that occur in any road. The most important thing, I have come to realize, is that no matter what each bend in the road brings, it's how I deal with it that matters. I want to take each moment and live it to the fullest, whether I'm laughing or crying, loving or angry, or anything in between. Because each moment is a gift, and I can choose to see all the good God has given me no matter what my situation is. My greatest desire is that I hope that people will see by what God has done in my life that there is a Father in Heaven who wants to know them and love them too. And that the end of this road really is only the beginning....

Somebody's Nobody

I've been reading a book lately by Frank Peretti. It's called the Prophet. I've actually read this one before, but I have a tendency to go back and reread books that I love. And this was one of the ones that I loved!!! As you will see as I write more, I do not believe for a second that the timing of my re-reading this book is a coincidence!

The main character, John Barrett, is a news anchor, and he lives a life that is socially acceptable. His father, John Sr., is a Christian, and he speaks out against things that he knows are wrong in God's eyes. So needless to say, they don't agree on many things, and don't spend much time together. Jr. is often embarassed by the actions and words of his father, until one day his father dies and he starts digging into the details of his father's life. In his quest to find out who his father really was, he begins to see things from his Dad's point of view. Especially because somewhere along his journey to find things he didn't know, he starts to hear voices. What he hears are things that no one else can hear. There are cries of anguish and sorrow and loneliness that come from the very depths of the human heart. He hears things that in reality only God knows.

I myself know those cries, the ones that if one could actually hear them, would pierce even the hardest of hearts. Because I have felt the loneliness, the hopelessness, the agony of loss, the horrors caused by greed and selfishness. And in such a big world, who am I but a speck, a nobody. I've seen the eyes of others, and I know that I am not the only one to ever feel this way. Eyes are the windows to the soul. And even if a person's face holds a smile, underneath, every single one of us holds pain that is unspeakable to bear by ourselves alone.

You see, the truth is, that I am not nobody because I belong to Somebody. And He sees all the hurt that I try to hide from everyone else. He sees when I am crying on the inside, but have to smile because it is not the time or the place to allow for weakness to show. He knows when I am at the end of myself, when I am so weak from grief that I can go no further, and gives me strength to go on when I can't do it alone. Psalm 142: 1-3 says, "I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before Him; before Him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who knows my way." Isaiah 40:28-31 says, "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I may feel alone, but I'm not. And sometimes I feel like I don't matter, but I do. To God. And so does everyone else that ever was, is now, or ever will be. Song of Songs 8:6 & & 7 says, "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." He knows everything about us, our hopes, cares, worries, pain, and all of our mistakes. And He still loves us. We have the priveledge of being offered the gift of becoming a child of God. Nobody can love us better than He can!

My Cup Runneth Over

It's time for the holidays again. I love this time of year. Mostly because people's hearts tend to be more willing to give and love, to help others and to forgive. What better time of year for eyes to be opened to all the wonders of God. I've been sort of dreading how I would feel because of this separation. I wasn't sure where the kids would spend their time. I was sad because I thought of all the years that were spent together as a family sharing the holidays. But then I realized that I still had alot to be thankful for. And that got me thinking that I should make a mental note of these things and try to remind myself of them whenever I got sad. And then I realized that it would be a good idea for the kids too. So I asked them to sit down and write a list of what they were most thankful for.

Megan came up with this:
"I'm thankful for family. I'm thankful for my fish, turtle, and cat. I'm thankful for mom and dad. I'm thankful for my house. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my bed."

Josh had this to say:

"I'm thankful for family, playstation (go figure :o) ), computer, TV, radio, Christmas, Ozzie (dog), Teddy (cat), Thanksgiving, Easter, Jesus being born (WOW!!), markers, crayons, school (Did not expect that one! :o) ), showers, clothes, rugs, chairs, hair, God, video games, cds, movies, pool tables, shampoo, and lastly freedom."

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!!!! :o) :o)

Well, I have to put my two cents in as well, so here is my list:

1.) My two beautiful babies (I know, they're not really babies anymore, but they WILL always be my babies!!!!)

2.) My family and friends who have loved me and supported me and stuck with me through all of my ups and downs!!!

3.) That God has proved that in one way, shape or form, He will always provide whatever we need!!

4.) That I have the gift of life, and that every day is a chance for me to do better than the day before.

And on that note.....

5.) That God loves me in spite of my faults, that He doesn't give up on me even when I'm sure that He has every right to kick me to the curb, and that He has promised that I will have a home with Him in heaven someday.

Ephesians 2:8 & 9 says, "For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast."

John 14:1-3 says, " 'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in Me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am.' "

I have nothing to complain about. I have more love, and laughter and blessings than anyone could ever ask for. "My Cup Runneth Over". Now I just have to remember to thank God even when things look so dismal. Because no matter what my circumstances look like, He is still God, and He will always be with me.

Tug Of War

Imagine this scene. You're in a large room with row upon row of seats for spectators. There are bright lights everywhere. The brightest of them directed towards the center of the room, where a section has been roped off for the main event. Speaking of ropes, the one and only object that is present at the moment is an enormous rope, half black and half red. For now, all is silent. But within minutes people begin to file in and fill the seats. All too quickly the seats are filled and there are people shouting out in excited voices, speaking of who they think should win the contest.

After a bit the annoucer steps into the spotlight. He begins with a flourish: "Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Main Event. Tonight you will witness a grueling battle of wills. On the red side of the rope, Jesus Christ, the One the Only, the Son of God!!!!........" People scream at the top of their lungs shouting praises and yelling out "Jesus Reigns, Jesus Reigns!!!!" as Jesus comes out and takes His place at His end of the rope. The announcer continues, "And on the black end of the rope, representing all that is so evil and sad in this world, Satan...." All around the room, ring out the "boos" from people long disgusted by the havoc wreaked by this being. Satan takes his place, and then the announcer continues. "And in the middle of the rope, ready to be swayed this way or that.... Kristin." The room falls deathly silent. Everyone stares at the woman as she approaches the middle of the rope. She hangs on tightly to the rope, and then the pulling begins. First Jesus gives a good yank, saying "She has been washed clean by the blood of the Lamb. She is a child of the King. You have no power over her!!!" And then Satan yanks back with the retort, "Yes, but she still has her own desires, her own choices. And she wants everything to go her way. She doesn't want to surrender her will!"

And then, in the strangest turn of events, the woman steps back from the rope. Slowly, ever so slowly, she walks down to the end of the black rope and takes it from Satan. Without looking up, she begins to pull on the rope. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she tells Jesus, "I don't want life to be so full of pain!! I only want things to get better, to be easier. Can't you see how good my life would be if only You would allow me to have everything that I want?" And Jesus, with tears in His eyes, stops pulling the rope. With the deepest anguish in His voice, He says, "Don't you know by now that I never intended for it to be this way? The sadness, the loss, the separation, death, none of it!!!!!!!!! But choices were made and things are as they are in this fallen world. So My Father sent me to fix what was broken so long ago. That part has been accomplished, but now comes the rest of the journey. And I love you so much that I will walk with you every step. At times, I will carry you, when you need it the most. I have not forgotten you, and I will never leave you. I have not promised that you will not go through difficult times. Indeed you will. But I will bring you through them. My dearest Kristin, you must go through these things so that God can accomplish His purpose for you." And then with the gentlest, yet the strongest tug on the rope, Jesus pulls the woman so she is standing right before Him. In that brief second, she finds herself staring into the eyes of the One who loves her with the greatest love ever known. She sees in those eyes the promises made for her, the ones that were made long before she ever came to exist. And she knows that the fight must come to an end. So she drops the rope and places her hands in the hand of Jesus. "I surrender", she says, "Because I know that whatever road I travel, You will be with me. I am weak and You are strong. And I trust that You know what is best for me!" And Jesus, with a smile and tears in His eyes, replied, "You never did have to fight me..... I've been on your side all along!!!!!"

Hebrews 12:1 & 2 say this: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

How the Battle Was Really Won

Uncertainty. Hopelessness. Defeat. These are traits that would characterize my life if I didn't have such a loving Father to help me. Often times if I let myself, I can lean in that direction anyway. It is far too easy, I have learned, to allow how I live to be dictated by my circumstances or my feelings. But that is not how God would have me live.

This morning when I was listening to the radio, the lead singer of a band was speaking about something in the Bible that had made an impression on him. He was talking of King Jehoshaphat, in 2 Chronicles 20. Jehoshaphat and his people were to go into battle with an army that was much bigger than they. But the word of the Lord was spoken through Jahaziel, who told them in verses 15-17: " 'Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem!This is what the Lord says to you: "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God's. .... Take your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you" ' ".

Upon reading these words, my first thought was that the people had to be in awe that the God of all creation would make a promise like that. How good would it feel to know in the depths of your soul that something that looked like it could only end up going horribly wrong was actually going to turn out in your favor?????? And then to hear the words, "For the battle is not yours but God's"....... They didn't have to strategize. They didn't need to plan an escape route just in case things didn't go according to plan. Because God was the One with the plan. And He promised that He would give them the victory.

The other thing that was said by the lead singer on the radio this morning was what really grabbed my attention. He said that Jehoshaphat sent the musicians out before the army. He went on to say that it didn't seem quite right to send men out with no weapons in front of the men who were all geared up for the fight. But he pointed out that God doesn't operate how we would. 2 Chronicles 20:20-24 says, "Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, ' Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful.' After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise Him for the splendor of His holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying, 'Give thanks to the Lord, for His love endures forever.' As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated. The men of Ammon rose up against the men of Mount Seir to destroy and annihilate them. After they finished slaughtering the men from Seir, they helped to destroy one another. When the men of Judah came to the place that overlooks the desert and looked toward the vast army, they saw only dead bodies lying on the ground; no one had escaped."

Without one soldier having to lift a finger, the enemies of Jerusalem and Judah were defeated. And it happened because the people praised God before He had even done what He said He would do. They believed, and they responded in faith, singing to the Lord with their whole hearts. And because the people put their trust in Him and praised Him, God proved that He is indeed faithful to keep His promises! And He proved that He can and will accomplish what He set out to do with or without us. He does not need us to make things happen! We need Him!! And I want to remember to praise Him in every circumstance in my life. Because He has promised that He has a hope and a good future for me. And He has promised that He does all things for the good of those who love Him. So whatever it is that each day will bring, I want to be sure to let Him know that I believe Him and that I trust Him with all my heart. And then I'm going to sit back and watch as He brings victory in every battle of my life.

The Futility of Fighting the Inevitable

All good things must come to an end. Isn't that how the saying goes?

I've been thinking alot about my life and what it looks like right now. It's not exactly what I pictured it would be at this point. But then again, how many people can actually say that their life is everything that they hoped it would be??? Well, I know that there are some people who can say that they wouldn't complain about the hand they were dealt. Living in the lap of luxury? What's to fuss about? The only problem is that it won't last. Not the house or the cars, the clothes, or the fancy gadgets. Not even the money that bought them. Matthew 6:19-21 says, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

I often contemplate what my life will be like when my daughter and son are no longer living with me. I love them so much that I can't imagine a time when they won't be with me every day. Truthfully, I don't want to even think about that. If they're gone overnight I miss them! I'm so thankful that God gives them stages to change and become more independent. Not only is it better for them that way, but it makes it a little easier on me as a mom. But there will be a day when they are all grown up and move out. And then someday will come a time of greater separation. (Not permanent, because I know that we will be in heaven together someday, but separation nonetheless.) My point is that even the ones we love will not be ours forever, nor will we be theirs forever. Psalm 89:47 & 48 says, "Remember how fleeting is my life....... What man can live and not see death, or save himself from the power of the grave?"

I have come to this conclusion. It is futile to fight the inevitable. Whether it's people or things, there is nothing that we can hold onto. Everything that seems so necessary to us now will matter no more. I am choosing now to live life with open hands. Letting go of what I always thought that I "needed" to live a full and happy life. And instead I am doing my best to live each day as I feel that God leads me to. Whatever I don't have here and now will seem incomparible to what I have to look forward to in heaven. Revelation 21 talks about a new heaven and a new earth. Verses 3-7 say this: "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.' He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.' He said to me: 'It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all of this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.' "

I would much rather live looking forward to what I will have for eternity than live for the things that I will only have for a short time on this earth.....

Praying for Rain// Do You Believe Me?

The other night I watched the movie "Facing the Giants". I cannot even begin to describe to you how much I love, love, love that movie!!!!!!!! It's only the second time that I have watched it, but I find so many statements that are made by the main character that touch the deepest parts of my heart.

The last time I saw it, I received one lesson from the movie. This time, I got another one. Throughout the movie, the main character Grant had so many things go wrong that it seemed as if his world was just falling to pieces before his eyes. And it didn't look like it was going to get better any time soon. Just to paint a brief picture of what was happening to him: He was a football coach with a losing season for 6 years in a row, his car didn't run more often than it worked, his washing machine quit running, he found out that he was incapable of bearing children, and then on top of all of that, he finds out that some of the student's fathers are trying to remove him from his job. Amidst all of this, there is a scene where Grant goes outside and prays. And as he does, he tells God that He knows that He is still on the throne, and that He will still trust Him and believe Him no matter if he likes the direction that his life is headed or not. Not long after that is a scene where a man is walking the halls of the school praying for each of the students, and praying that the hearts of the kids who attended school there would turn to God. In this particular visit to the school, that man proceeds to enter Grant's office and tell him that God led him there to give Grant a message. He told Grant that God had him there for a reason and that Grant was to bloom where God had planted him. He also went on to tell the story of two farmers that prayed for rain for their fields. He said that one went out and got his field ready for the rain that God would send, and the other did not. He then asked Grant, "Now which one do you think received the rain for his field?" The answer: the one who believed that God would send the rain.

This very thought has been the focus of my thoughts for the last few days. I had to ask myself, Am I the type of person who believes that God will send rain if I ask for it? I thought I was, but after careful consideration, I have realized that I often have a tendency to look at what I see instead of living in faith. I am not so different from the man in Mark 9. It says that his son was possessed by a spirit, and that the boy foamed at the mouth, could not speak, and rolled around on the ground. Verses 21-24 tell the story of what happened next. "Jesus asked, 'How long has he been like this?' 'From childhood', he answered. 'It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.' 'If you can?' said Jesus. 'Everything is possible for him who believes.' Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'

That is such a picture of me. I am that father, wanting to believe, but wary because of all that I have seen. But Jesus has asked me, "Do you believe me?" And I answer, "Yes, Lord, but help me with my unbelief!" Because in the deepest parts of my heart, where the truth of God resides, I know that God can and will do what He has set out to do. And I believe that if I ask Him for something that is in agreement with His will then it will be given to me. And God will be honored because of the prayers that are answered. I will prepare my fields for the rain that God will send.

And yet I will say in agreement with the main character Grant, "Lord, no matter what happens, I will still trust You, because You are still on the throne!"

Everyday Heroes

It's November already. Election Day is here and Veteran's Day is coming quickly behind it.

At this time every year since my kids have been in grade school, I've seen them bring home a yellow piece of paper with stars on it. I remember last night I was kind of in a hurry, so when I first saw the familiar piece of paper, I have to admit that I grumbled just a bit. Which is terrible of me!!! Shame on me!! The whole purpose of the stars is to write out the names of members of our family or friends that have served in a branch of the Armed Forces. And the purpose behind doing that is so that those people whether alive or not can be honored for the service they gave for their country. I felt horrible when I realized that the sacrifices that I have made pale in comparison with the sacrifices that these men made. After all, even though not everyone saw the front lines of battle, they all knew that it was very possible that they would indeed risk their very lives. And many of them did pay the cost of our freedom with their lives. I just want to say how very thankful I am for the men and women who have ever served or are now serving in the fight to protect our country and the freedom that we enjoy. Often times when people think of heroes, these are the people that they think about.

I believe that there are other types of heroes as well. And this is what I want my kids to grow up understanding. I think that a hero is one who loves with all of his heart and soul. He puts God first and understands that family, jobs, homes, money, health, etc. are blessings from God. He trains his children in accordance with God's laws, no matter how difficult it is. He walks in faith, even when the rest of the world shuns him and calls him crazy. Psalm 1:1-3 say, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields it's fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." And Proverbs 21:21 says, "He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor."

I know that there is no one on the face of this earth that is perfect, and I would never expect them to be. But there are men who choose to be obedient to God and put Him and everything that is important to Him first and foremost in their lives. These are the men I want my kids to look up to. These are the ones that I want them to follow in the footsteps of. They are the everyday heroes that choose to consistently live out their faith. And I am taking this moment to thank God for them and for the ones that have sacrificed everything so we can live in the freedom that we so often take for granted!!!!!!

What You See Isn't Always What You Get

This morning as I was getting ready for church, my daughter sat down and struck up a conversation with me. For the most part I don't remember what we were gabbing about. Just typical mother-daughter conversation. Then our cat walked into the room. He stood on his back legs and put his front paws on Megan trying to get her attention. It was at that point that I remember her making a statement that has stuck with me the rest of the day. She said, "Mom, did you know that cats can see in only black and white?" She went on to say that she felt bad for him that he didn't see any color. To which I replied, "Don't feel bad for him, honey. He doesn't know that he's missing out on anything." Instantly I was struck with the realization that I'm not that different from the cat.

How is that possible, you ask? Well, let me explain it this way. Teddy, our cat, only sees what his eyes allow him to see. He sees the shapes, sizes, motion and colors, or lack thereof that God has given him the ability to see. As for me, it 's not so much my actual vision that is limited, but my ability to see what God is accomplishing in my life. I can only see what is right smack dab in front of me. And let me tell you, I am not always happy with what I see. But just like Teddy can't see all the things that we can see, I can't see all that God can see.

Interestingly enough, this morning's sermon was in keeping with this very topic. One statement in the sermon notes made quite an impression on me. It said, "FOCUS ON HOW BIG GOD IS, NOT HOW BIG THE PROBLEM IS." Wow!!!!!!!!!!! You think God was trying to drive a point home? My vision is so limited that 99% of the time I am focused on nothing but my problems!!! And now, God is telling me to look beyond them to Him! The sermon came from verses in Deuteronomy Ch. 7. Verses 17-18 and 21-22 say, "You may say to yourselves, 'These nations are stronger than we are. How can we drive them out?' But do not be afraid of them; remember well what the Lord your God did to Pharoah and to all Egypt..... Do not be terrified by them, for the Lord your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God. The Lord your God will drive out those nations before you little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, or the wild animals will multiply around you."

It is amazing to me that the God that promised to eliminate any nations that were a threat to the Israelites is the same God that is at work in my life. At this very moment He is working behind the scenes. Even as I write these words, He is preparing me for the next step in this journey. And as my pastor said, "there are times that things other than just you have to be changed." I can't even begin to imagine what those things might be. But God, my Father, knows it all. He is orchestrating every detail so that when the time is right, His plan will be revealed.

Even now, I can see a part of what God is accomplishing in my life. Because I am doing things that a few months ago I would not have imagined possible. Part of God's plan has unfolded before my eyes. But there is more, so much more that He has in store. 1 Corinthians 13:10 & 12 say, "... but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." This verse is talking about what we know in our lives on earth, compared to what we will know when we are in heaven with God. Then our eyes will be opened to all that we were limited from seeing. For now, we still live in an imperfect world. And what we see isn't always going to be what we hope for. But our mighty God is always at work! No matter what things look like, there is always hope in Him!!! Thank God that what you see isn't always what you get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Love You Anyway

My daughter and I have been at odds for some time now. I am very well aware that this is not an uncommon problem amongst moms and their children. Especially when it comes to teaching them right from wrong. I however, have not been sure whether our problems stemmed from just the typical mother-daughter conflict or if it has something to do with the change that has occurred in our family. It seems as though since it has been the three of us that things have gotten worse between she and I. The truth is that I could spend all day every day trying to figure out what is causing the behavior, and it still wouldn't change the fact that something is wrong and needs to be fixed.

At the end of last school year, I found out that she wasn't turning in homework. Now this year, it has been that same issue, but on top of it, her grades have been slipping in a big way. Every time I've tried to talk to her about it, I get the same answer. Ok, Mom, I'll change. I'll quit hurrying. I'll do better. And then, I find out a few days later that we're pretty much back to square one. Then there's the issue of attitude. Boy, do I catch it from her!!! There are times when I honestly want to sit back and cry because I am so at my wits' end! It all feels so hopeless sometimes. So, one day not too long ago, we were having the same discussion that we've had for months now. I feel like a broken record, and I know that she's not having any fun hearing the same things over and over again. So this time I stopped and took time to pray. I asked God what I could do to make things different. I had asked her to leave the room so I could call a friend and have her pray with me. And when she came back I told her that I wasn't happy about the grades and the attitude, but that no matter what she did or said that I would love her. I told her that there would never be anything that she could ever do in this life that would make me stop loving her. And for just a few brief peaceful moments, things were good. She told me that she knew that I loved her no matter what! So, in spite of all that we are still struggling with, I am thankful that God gave me the opportunity to make sure that she knows that my love for her does not depend on her behavior.

That got me to thinking. Dangerous, I know. I realized that my relationship with God is so very much like mine with my daughter. I have rules; she pushes and tries to get me to bend, because she wants her way. God has rules, but I push and try to see if I can get my way. She sees my rules and discipline as restrictive. She can't possibly see that I am trying to correct her behavior now so that in the future life won't be more difficult for her. God does the same with me, but I don't always want to accept that if He is correcting me it is so I will not have to learn the same lessons over and over again. She is stubborn and determined to get what she wants from me. I have been stubborn and determined to get what I want from God. She wants what she wants right now! She can't see that there are things that you just can't have right away, or that there are some things that she just can't have because they are not good for her. I am no different. I want what I want, and I don't want to have to wait. And I most certainly don't want to be told no, even if it's because God knows that something is not good for me. All of these are ways that I realized that I am no different with God than my daughter is with me.

We've been practicing a song in choir called "East to West". Every time I hear the words of that song, I am reminded of just how thankful I am that God chooses to forgive me in spite of all of my selfish and sinful ways. Psalm 103:8-18 says, "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower on the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts."

I am so thankful that God helped me to stop and take a breath and pray that day that my daughter and I were fighting and getting nowhere fast!!!! He helped me to remember what was really, truly important. The fact of the matter is that even though she drives me batty sometimes, I love her anyway. And I believe with all of my heart that God says that same thing to me: "No matter what you do, I will love you anyway."

Pass It On

Last night, I had choir practice. On the way to the church, my daughter asked me to pray for something for her. In order to understand her request, I have to give a tiny bit of detail. On her birthday, she had received some money from family. Part of it she wanted to donate to the National Wildlife Federation to help animals that are endangered. So we did that. She received a stuffed animal and a picture of a wolf that she had "adopted". She named him Buddy. :o) So, back to last night. As we were driving, she said, "Mom, can you please pray that God keeps Buddy safe?". I said that I would, but she was crying. When I asked her to tell me what was making her sad, she said that she was scared that something would happen to Buddy. To which I answered, "God knows where he is, and He will take care of him". And then, out of the mouths of babes..... she replied, "But, Mom, God takes care of us, and we still have bad things happen to us!". I sat there stunned for a minute, or maybe two or three..... I mean, hello, she's 10!!!!!!!! When I finally could find my voice again, I told her that yes, she was right, that bad things do still happen to us. And then I told her that Isaiah 55:8 & 9 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I went on to explain that if God allows something in our lives, even if it's something that we don't understand, God has a purpose for it. I continued by telling her that whatever we go through that God will bring good out of it, and will make Himself known to other people because of what He is doing in our lives.

Later in the evening and throughout this morning, I was thinking about what I had said to her. I had to ask myself if I have really been living what I believe. If I am honest, I would have to say no. Because the ugly truth is that I have been angry with my husband, but also angry with God because He allowed the fighting and the separation and the very rocky road that I have travelled since then. Now before I go any further, let me just clarify that I in no way believe that I have a right to be angry with God. I am just a human being and I have feelings that I have to learn how to deal with. And in no way is God responsible for how I react to things. After much prayer, I finally allowed God to remove the blinders from my eyes. The truth is that God is allowing this to happen because He loves me and the kids, and my husband. We are going through this because God has a plan, and when it is carried out, people will see how good God really is! Psalm 40:1-3 says, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

This is what I have come to understand about God. He is better to me than I could ever deserve. He chooses to give me good things even though I turn away from Him. And even when I go through difficult times, He brings me through them for a specific reason. Psalm 40:4 & 5 says, "Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust; who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to decalare." Who am I to judge what God is doing in my life? Do I have His understanding? Can I see what He sees? No way!!!! Do I think that I can do a better job at running my life than He can? I used to think so, but now, not so much! The bottom line is this: it's not really about me anyway!!!!! It's about people seeing the work that God is doing in me and my family.... and knowing that whatever the result of this situation that people that I love will see and know that God and only God could do these amazing things!!! I don't want to be me-centered anymore! I just want to let God do His thing in my life! That is the secret to peace in life. Trusting God and letting go of what we want, knowing that what He has for us is so very much better! Pass it on!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o)

Masterpiece

Picasso I am not. Neither can I hold a candle to Monet . How I would love to be able to paint a beautiful picture of a sunset or rolling hills with tall waving grass and flowers exploding everywhere. I wouldn't mind either being able to paint a picture of my kids when they're asleep and so very angelic looking! It just isn't meant to be though. That is not the gift that God has chosen to give me. So when I feel the need to be creative in some way, I have found another outlet. The walls of my home have become my canvas.

In a couple of the rooms I knew exactly the color that I wanted to paint. I painted one time and loved the color! The other rooms were a different story altogether. My house is older so it has a wall that separates the Living Room and my bedroom that is made out of brick. (I guess it's really true that they used to make houses much more sturdy than they do today! :o) ) At first the color scheme was to involve a color that is a cross between a maroon and brick red for the brick wall, and a tannish color to accent on the other walls. But then my friend and I were looking at some paint samples (she has 100's of them, so it can be very difficult to focus on just one color!) and I found a shade of green that I absolutely adored! It was called Pesto. As the accent color, we found a shade of very very light tan that seemed would be the perfect compliment to the Pesto. All seemed well until the whole brick wall was painted. My first clue that I made a bad choice was that when Tim came into the house, he took one look at the wall and said, "You really like that color?!?!". Let me, to my defense, just add that I did really like the color, but I wasn't looking at how it looked on my walls, I was looking at the color itself. Which was mistake # 1. Mistake # 2 came when my friend and I painted the accent color on the wall and realized that it made the green look even worse than it did on it's own. By the way, did I mention that a good part of my house has this wood planking on the walls? It is stained a rich brownish-red color, which is absolutely beautiful on the wood. However, I have found through much trial and tribulation that finding shades of paint that will go well with the aforementioned stain is not so easy to do!! Matter of fact, it has been downright exhausting!!! After taking a step back and surveying the damage of the green-scheme in my room, I decided to do what I should have done in the first place..... I went with the maroon/red brick and tan color scheme. And now my room looks beautiful!! Thank God! :o)

My next project was the Living Room. Bear in mind that the same brick wall that is in my room is also on the Living Room side. Until I began to paint this brick, I had no idea how much time and effort it would take just to paint one wall! And after the fiasco in my room, you would think that I would have learned to be certain that the color I was going to use would go well with the stain on the wood planking. But no, I didn't. My only test to see if the color would match was to hold the color card up to the wood. Well, we all know that what you see isn't always what you get. And let me tell you that I proved that not just one time, but two more times after that. Yeah, you heard me right..... Three times I painted that doggone Living Room with a color that ended up looking hideous. Actually one color was just to cover up a purple-ish color that I had picked out that ended up looking so putrid that I had to cover over it the very next day. I was up until 3 in the morning painting, and then about 6 hours later, I was back at it again to get rid of the evidence of my colossal mistake! By now I was becoming a pro at painting this brick! I guess if something good came out of this, my painting skills have improved immensely, and I am much faster as well. You know the saying, "the third time is the charm"? Well, obviously that was not the case in this room. But on the fourth try, I finally found a color that looked pretty good. Yeah! The funny thing is, the color is fairly light, so with the wood being so dark, you can hardly tell that I painted it! So now, I might just have to paint it again! Go figure!

All of this actually happened a few months ago, but I read some verses in my Bible last night that brought these memories back. Isaiah 43: 18 & 19 say, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland". Back at the beginning I mentioned that the walls of this house had become my canvas. When I painted and saw that the work was not what it should be, I started all over again. I began a new thing. And that is what God is doing with me. I am His canvas to create and design. And if what He sees in me is not what He knows is good, He too will begin a new thing in me. He is now, and I'm sure that this will happen quite often throughout my lifetime. And you know something? I am absolutely fine with that!!!! I am thankful even!! Because I don't want to stay the way that I am now! Then, someday when I am at home in heaven, God's masterpiece will finally be finished!

A Stray

I've been pondering something for a few days. This thought process started one evening as I looked out into our back yard and saw a stray cat. He has been hanging out around our house and our neighbors for quite some time. Since it is impossible for my daughter and I to see a stray and not want to help, we have been feeding and giving him water. On many occasions my daughter with the huge heart has asked if we could take him in and make him our own. Oh, how my heart wants to be able to do that! But if I am honest, what holds me back from following through is what I don't know about him. For instance, could he have some sickness or fleas or ticks that he could pass on to the cat that we already have? Could he be so sick that he might not even live for very long after we all got attached to him? If I had to take him to the vet, how much would it cost me to get him all the shots he needs and make sure that he is cleared of any disease? And then I feel guilty, so horribly bad! Because, first of all, it's not the cat's fault if he is diseased or malnourished because he's been wandering around outside for so long. And second of all, I've tried to pet him when I see him outside. And I can tell that he wants to be loved, but at the same time, he scoots away just as fast as I try to reach out to him, because he is scared.

It got me thinking that in many respects, I, and we all, are like that cat. We want to be loved, but we're scared. So we do what we think we must do to defend ourselves from being hurt. And we too, are full of the sickness called sin. Isaiah 53:6 says, "We all like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way..."

I also was reflecting on the fact that God could very easily think of me like I was thinking about that stray cat. I wondered whether it would be worth my while to take him in and love him. And I actually have let the things that could be wrong with him keep me from helping him more than just feeding him. All I can say is that I am so thankful that God does not think like I do. That He sees all that there is to see about me and still loves me. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us".

And not only does He forgive, but He goes beyond that. Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing". I am a stray who has been adopted into the home of my heavenly Father, who loves me, and you, like no one on this earth ever could.

The Fastest Decade Ever

Tonight I am wearing a nightgown that is 10 years old. I can't believe that I still have it. By all rights the thing should be falling apart at the seams. It does look a little shabby, but I'm still wearing it. Why? Because my daughter wanted me to. Today is her 10th birthday, and I decided that as much as possible, I would do what she asked me to do today.

This all started a couple of weeks ago. I was looking through my pajama drawer one night, and as I dug through to find a specific pair that I wanted, I came across this nightgown. My daughter was in the room with me at the time, and I showed it to her. "This is the nightgown I wore the day you were born", I said. She looked at me with eyes as big as saucers, and said, "You still have it?". Which got me thinking. I wasn't even sure why I did still have this thing. I don't even wear it anymore to be honest. But for some reason in all these years I never did get rid of it. I guess maybe because every time I looked at it, it made me think of the day she was born. So I just couldn't part with it. Today, I have never been so thankful that I kept something!

The funny thing is, she was so tired that she was already almost asleep. I hadn't put on my pj's yet, so I started to think that maybe it didn't really matter after all if I wore it. Then I realized that if I didn't wear it, she would see that in the morning, and she would be disappointed. It's because I want her to know that she is so important to me that I will wear a 10 year old nightgown even when she doesn't know that I actually am wearing it.

So many memories are bombarding me as I write this. I remember everything from being checked into the hospital, to playing Uno while my contractions still weren't that bad, to being ever so greatful to my aunt and cousin for sneaking in Tootsie Pops for me ( I was so hungry I could have eaten the whole bag). And then, right around midnight, my contractions took a serious turn for the serious!!!! They meant business, let me tell you! But, ah, that sweet melody of her cry just a short 7 hours and 46 minutes later made it all worthwhile. I would not take back one day of getting nauseated, or one achy back, or even a single labor pain, because the bottom line is she was, and is so very worth it!!!! James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.". Indeed this beautiful baby was a gift from God!!

And now just like that, 10 years has come and gone. And I really can't believe as I look at her now, that all those years can pass by in such a blur! I can see images in my mind of her at different ages and different stages, and my heart aches that those moments will never come again. (I'm actually crying as I'm writing this, as those of you who know me best will not be surprised to find out.) But as much as I wish that I could have those days back, I still look forward to all that is to come in the next decade of this precious girl's life. For that time and for the rest of her life these verses come to mind: Colossians 1:9-14 says, "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." That is my deepest desire for her life. To know that no matter how bumpy the road ahead may be, she has a Father in heaven who loves her enough to want to spend eternity with her. And who walks with her every moment of every day that she spends on this earth.

As for me, I will savor every moment that I have with her. Because before I know it, another decade will have flown by, and I won't have my beautiful little girl anymore. But in her place will be a beautiful young woman that I hope will be one of my closest friends! And who knows, maybe 10 years from now I will still have this silly nightgown, and if it hasn't been worn out to the point of being unwearable, maybe I will put it on once more, and remember the day that God blessed me with such a wondrous gift!

Letting Go

For quite a long time I didn't even know who I was as an individual. Somewhere along the way I got caught up in all of the worries and cares of life, and forgot that I could be me. Now, I feel like I'm slowly finding who I am again. But in the process, I am finding that I don't just want to find out who I am.... I want to become the person that God intends for me to be. And yet, I find myself in a struggle with my desire to be that person. How can I be so divided? How do I rid myself of the selfishness that keeps me from growing in my relationship with God?

This morning I was listening to songs on this blog as I was getting ready for church. One of them is called "I Surrender" by Steven Curtis Chapman. The words of the chorus say, "I'm giving it all back to You, I surrender. I'm giving it all back to You, I surrender. Take it all." When he sings the song, he sings it with such passion. And I find myself singing along and wanting so very much to be able to surrender my heart like that. I know that I haven't fully come to that point. I can feel it. I think I resist because I'm scared of giving up control. I'm afraid of what I don't see coming. But in my heart of hearts I know that not only would I be safe if I hand everything over to God, but He will give me more than I can ask or imagine.

Even more than that, I agree with the pastor of my church who said that he wants to be a part of whatever God is doing. I don't know the specifics of what that might mean in my life, but I do know that I want to be part of it. I don't want to be afraid of what will have to change in my life in order for God to work in me. I want to embrace whatevever God brings me through, and do so with the deepest trust in God. I want to have a heart that is willing to believe that God will do what He promised because He said that He would. Romans 4:18-21 says, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be'. Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead- since he was about a hundred years old- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He promised."

That is the kind of faith that I want to have. That is the heart that is given over in surrender that I long for.

For a Moment

A few days ago I went and got a physical done. I figured it was probably a good idea to get checked out because, well, I just wanted to know that I was still in good health. At least I hoped so. I hadn't heard anything back about my lab work, so my over-active imagination started to kick into high gear. I started thinking about what would happen if I found out that I had a terminal illness.... How long would I have to live? What would the illness be like? Would I suffer for a long time? But more importantly, what would I try to make sure I told my kids before I died? What would I want to tell other people? What would I do with the rest of my days?

Thank goodness these thoughts only lasted for a short time before the more rational part of my brain took over! What I realized then, was that I probably wouldn't want to live my life much different than I am right now. Because right now, I have two beautiful children that I am blessed to be able to take care of and watch in amazement as they slowly figure out who God made them to be. I am working at a place that I actually like to go to every day. I have friends and family who I am so thankful for, and I love spending time with them! I have a church that I love to go to, where I am growing in my faith.

I also realized that I have some desires of my heart that have not yet been fulfilled. I hope that they will be. I have a dream of what that would look like. But even better, I can look forward to what lies ahead for me! To what God already knows He has planned for me. Well, at least for as long as God sees fit to give me breath.... Psalm 139:15&16 says, "My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

When I got home today, I got two envelopes in the mail. They were both from the doctor's office. So with the greatest anticipation, I ripped them open. And as I scanned those pages, I was overcome with joy. For there on those pages I saw one test result after another with a checkmark in the "normal" box. For a moment, I can breathe a sigh of relief. For a moment, I am sure that I am healthy and can continue to live this life that God has given me.

I also realized that I don't want to take any moments of my life for granted. That I want to live every last one of them to it's fullest potential- whether I'm spending time with my kids or scrubbing the bathroom floor. Whatever it is that I do in any given moment, I want to live it in a way that will show God how very thankful I am for all that He has blessed me with!

AMEN!!!

Taking a Tumble

I was just on the phone with my friend. During most of the conversation we were discussing things about God and how He is at work in different ways in our lives. A few times though, she was trying to help her son play a game called Pitfall. The last time she played I heard her say, "I can't help you get to the top. I get all the way up there (to the top of the tree) and then I fall down." Which simultaneously caused me to laugh and have a lightbulb go on in my brain.....

I've been reading in the book of Judges the last few days. Every chapter that I have read speaks of the Israelites turning from God and sinning against Him. Because of their disobedience God allowed them to fall into the hands of their enemies. But after a time when they felt that things were too unbearable for them to be able to go on, they cried out to God. And when they did, He sent someone to rescue them from their captivity. In essence, He would lift them up out of their misery. And there they would sit on the treetop, living in peace, because they lived in obedience to God. After a time they would disobey and fall again. They would live in captivity again. And when it became unbearable, they cried out to God and He lifted them up again. A vicious cycle, yes, but one that I see in my life quite often.

It occured to me that whenever I take a tumble, or sin, or question God, I have a tendency to try to climb back up that tree on my own. But the truth of the matter is that there is no way that I will ever reach that place of peace and living in obedience to God on my own. I can only do that with God's help. Yes, God has made me a strong and stubborn individual, but without Him I am too weak to live like He has asked me to. But God is faithful! Like the Israelites whey they cried out to Him, He will answer me when I call out to Him in the midst of my darkest hour. Even if I do take a spill every now and again, God will still carry out His plan in my life, in spite of me. Philippians 1:6 : "... being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Thank you Lord, that your plan does not depend on whether I always make the right choices or do everything just right. I look forward to all that you will accomplish in my life, in spite of how many falls I may have. AMEN!

A Call To Persevere

I was putting some laundry in my kids drawers today. As I did, I was amazed at what I found in their drawers. I'm starting to think that maybe they're packrats. Of course if they are, they come by it naturally. I was the same way when I was a kid. In one drawer I found a bag with pennies, staples, thumbtacks, and cards. In another drawer I found papers galore. In yet another drawer there was a nail file. I should know by now not to be surprised when I find these things, but I must admit that I still am. Sometimes I'm even afraid to look in their drawers because in the past I have found "science experiments" that my daughter is in the process of working on.... or forgetting in her drawer.

It dawned on me while I was digging the more dangerous objects out of the drawer, that this is often how I approach life. I live in dread of what I'm going to find, or of the things that will happen that I don't want to happen.

Take for instance this morning at church. The pastor was preaching on Ephesians 5:22-24 which says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." And then he went on with verses 25-33. Verse 25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her...". Verse 28-29 say, "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he cares for it and feeds it, just as Christ does the church." If I would have known what the sermon for today was, I might not have gone. This is a hugely painful subject for me. In all honesty, this is a part of the Bible that I have not known what to do with as it pertains to my life. As the pastor said, there are many women who go to marriage counseling who feel like they rank at the bottom of the list of their husband's priority list. And in turn they have a hard time submitting to their husbands. Personally, I don't believe that I even rank anywhere on my husband's list of priorities, and I haven't for a very long time. So to hear what the pastor was saying made me bawl like a baby. I want to be able to have that kind of relationship, but it is non-existent right now.

So, when I left the church, with tears still streaming down my face, I had to ask God what on earth I am possibly supposed to do in my situation. How can I apply those verses to my circumstances when I don't even have a relationship with my husband to work on? And then God impressed on me that I can still do what I am asked to do in spite of what someone else is not doing. I am asked to submit. Period. That means in whatever decisions that my husband makes, including whether we stay married or not.... And also to continue to submit no matter the length of time.

Why? Because of what Romans 5:2 -4 say. "... And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope." I have realized something very important... I am not doing this for my benefit or for my husband's benefit or even for our children. I am persevering because I know that if I choose to be obedient to God, then His plan and purpose will be accomplished. And I know that His plan and purpose include what is best for my family (Jeremiah 29:11).

I hurt deeply. I am wounded by all that I have had to endure. But so was Jesus and that didn't stop Him from following God's plan. His ultimate pain brought about our greatest joy. (Eternity in heaven.) This is difficulty for me. Some days I long to choose my own way.... But what I dream of and long for can't compare with God's plan for me and my family. Whatever that might be. I can't see the outcome of these days that seem so long now. But I know someday I'll be able to look back and see why God brought me through all of this. And the end result will be worth all that I have to go through now.

God, I beg you to help me continue to persevere in spite of the pain. And I pray that I am not the only one who will see the good that you will bring about. But I also pray that I will not live just in expectancy for the day that things will be different, but to live in the hope that you have given me for today and every day! AMEN!!

Let There Be Light

Awhile back, my friend told me that she felt like God was going to do some closet-cleaning in my life. Well, I'm thinking now that God was forewarning me through her! Only at the time, I had no idea what He had in store! I'm also certain that there is alot more to come that I cannot possibly know about at this point. And if I did, it would probably only make me go bonkers, because then I would know what was coming but still not when where and how.

So, here I am six months after my husband moved out. I don't even know how to explain this last half year, except to say that my emotions have been all over the map, and my faith has had some severe testing! I feel like all the ideas that I had of what my life should be like are being thrown out the window! What I thought I wanted, I am finding out is not what I need. But figuring this out has been oh, so painful!! I forget what the analogy was that I used when I was talking to my friend about how I felt.... But she came up with the perfect description..... I'm being gutted! Everything in me that I've been holding onto as truth is being stripped away!

Which brings me to the image I got in my head when she said the word gutted. It was a picture of a Jack-O-Lantern in the making. We all know that in order for a pumpkin to become a Jack-O-Lantern, it first has to be cut open.... wide open! And then someone has to take a spoon and scrape and dig, and scrape and dig, and scrape and dig God only knows how many times until every last bit of the guts and seeds have been removed. When all the insides have been removed, then the bottom has to be leveled out so that a candle can sit evenly on it without tipping over. After all of that, the face is carved out, so that people can see what's on the inside..... I am so that Jack-O-Lantern! 2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.". One word in that passage sums up what God is doing in me right now: transformation. If a pumpkin were alive and had to feel all the cutting, and scraping and pulling going on inside of it to make the Jack-O-Lantern, then I'm sure it could identify with how I feel during this time of transformation. I am learning during this time, as hard as the change is for me, that I have been looking for fulfillment from and also trying to please the wrong person. There is only One who will never fail me or abandon me, and that is God.

Which brings me back to the Jack-O-Lantern. The purpose for the cutting and gutting is so that a candle can be placed inside so that people will see the light on the inside. 2 Corinthians 4:6 says, "For God, who said, ' Let light shine out of darkness,' made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.". And that, my friends, is the reason for this makeover I am receiving. An internal makeover. But the most important kind. This is truly my very reason for existence: To let God put the candle in me so that people will see His light.

So, as painful as this has been for me, would I change it? Not for the world! I hope that whatever I go through, people will see this change for what it is. Not me trying to sweep my problems under the rug. But me allowing God to do with me as He chooses so others will know that it is Him who is at work in my life!

God, I am so very human, and any little mistake I make can distract people from what you are doing in my life. So please help them to look past me and see your light instead! AMEN!!

Off the Beaten Path

I'm going to take a bit of a different direction today. I'm just adding a quick note here, and then I'm going to post a poem that I wrote very early this morning. It kind of sums up much of what I have felt lately. And I haven't written a poem in over 9 months, so I'm kind of excited about it.

Anyway, I wanted to share that I finally did break that pitcher that I was talking about. The funny thing is, it did turn out to be just as stubborn as me!!! I tried to break it three times in my kitchen, and wouldn't you know the darn thing just didn't want to break!!! I'm not joking! I let it drop from a good height, and the silly thing bounced off the floor like it was made of plastic! But then, I took it and dropped it on cement and it finally busted into pieces. That is so much like me! Just about impossible to break, and then when I finally do, it takes the hardest things to make me crack! Anyway, just thought that was something I should share. I'm sure it will be interesting trying to put the thing back together again! :o)

So, here goes.... It's the first time that I've shared a poem on this blog. But it's where I'm at right now.....

OH ME OF LITTLE FAITH

On this battleground where I've been chased,

I've retreated with the greatest haste

For the arrows whizzing by my head

Have filled me with the deepest dread.

And as these worries crowd my mind,

My enemy robs my poor heart blind.

Though I feel like giving up the fight,

One greater still has known my plight.

The same God who parted the Red Sea

Has come to wage this war for me;

Even then I find myself with doubts,

"Oh me of little faith!", I shout!

For God who made the sun and stars

Has been the bearer of my deepest scars;

And though I long to feel no pain,

Each day I live is not in vain...

Even when I cannot understand,

I'll have faith in all that God has planned.

And that is my prayer, God, that I will have faith in You no matter what I do or do not understand! AMEN!

In the Hands of the Potter

I've had this pitcher for a couple of months now. Maybe even longer. To be honest, I've kind of lost track of the time. I purchased it because my friend told me about a little experiment that another woman tried. She took a simple pitcher which represented her life, and let it fall to the floor and shatter into pieces. And then she put it back together again. Sounds goofy right? I mean, why would you take something that is whole, and let it break into hundreds of tiny bits, only to try to put it back together again??

Which brings me back to my point earlier-- that I still have this pitcher. It is still in one piece. One big, unbroken piece.... And it is that way for a reason. Because it really does symbolize my life. The point of this exercise is to allow the pitcher to be broken so that it can be re-shaped. But I haven't been able to bring myself to break it because then it would mean that I am allowing myself to be broken in spirit. And I, my friends, do not take kindly to being broken. I am as stubborn as a mule! As an ox! "Why do I need to be fixed?", is what I think. "Why can't it be the other guy?" is my plea. And God's answer is this: "But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? ' Shall what is formed say to Him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" ' ". (Romans 9:20). Ouch!!! I think it probably hurts me more to think that I might have offended God and kept Him from doing His work in me than it would hurt for me to allow myself to be broken and reshaped by Him.

The reality is that God knows me so much better than I know myself. It doesn't seem possible that there could be someone who could know us better than we know ourselves, but there is (Check out Psalm 139 and you will see). And if God knows me that intimately, than why am I so afraid of letting Him make me into something that He knows will be better in the long run? Jeremiah 18:4 says, "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.".

I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of letting go of all that I know and allowing Someone else to take control of the reins. My friend made a comment earlier today that I am paying more attention to now. I had told her that I felt like I was stuck. That I wasn't really moving forward anywhere. I want to move. And she told me that I would move forward faster if I wasn't digging in my heels. To which I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I'm letting God do whatever He wants to do.". But even though I've felt like I'm giving up control of my life to God, I don't believe that I really could have. Because God won't take control if someone isn't really willing to let Him. If I don't allow myself to become broken, how can God change me? I will be stuck if I keep this up!

I think maybe it's time for me to break that pitcher!!!!!!! Maybe then I can truly be clay in the hands of the Potter!

God, You know the deepest parts of me! You know what is best for me! I don't! Help me to forget and let go of all that I've thought was best so that You can do what You know is best! Not just for me, but for my whole family as well! Your will be done! AMEN!!

All Fired Up

I am thankful that I live in a country where I am not restricted by laws that govern how I can or can't express my devotion to God. I know that there are plenty of people that live in countries where they are not allowed to share their faith in any way with other people without fear of being punished for it.

Kind of like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. They were told by their king that they were not to worship any other god. But whenever they heard any kind of instrument play, they were to bow down and worship the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. Well, these three men wanted nothing to do with worship of anyone other than God Himself. So, they refused to bow down to the image of gold. And when they were found out by the king, he became angry and threw them, tied up, into the fiery furnace, heating it "seven times hotter than usual" (Daniel 3:19). But Nebuchadnezzar was in for a big surprise..... Daniel 3:25-27 says, "He said, 'Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.' Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, ' Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!' So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governers and royal advisers saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them."

The truth of the matter is that there is not a human being on the face of this Earth that does not walk through his or her own fire at one time or another. But for those of us who put our hope in God, we will not walk through the fire alone. I am so thankful to know that the God who saved Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the fire is the God who is with me no matter how hot the furnaces in my life are! And I'm even more thankful that I still have the ability to write about my faith so openly, so that hopefully other people will know that they can trust God with their lives too!

Thank You God for the freedom that we have to live in faith and to be able to openly share our faith with others. AMEN!!!

Blind

My daughter Megan is in 4th grade this year. Her teacher is a trainer for lead dogs for the blind, so this year Megan has the priviledge of having a puppy named PJ in her class. Her teacher has been teaching the kids many things about lead dogs and they are even given the opportunity to help take care of him during the day. I am truly excited about this. What a way to expand her horizons! But mine are getting expanded as well...

Megan came home one day after school and told me this story that they heard about a lead dog, and the person that he helped. Apparently, the man was walking down the middle of a street, when suddenly the dog stopped. The man kept urging the dog to move forward, but the dog would not budge! I'm sure he was beyond frustrated at this point. But eventually understanding must have dawned on him that the dog was not moving for a reason. The teacher told Megan's class that the man finally stuck his foot out in front of him to see if there was something in front of him that was making the dog stop like he did. And that man had to be very thankful that the dog was as stubborn as he was, because as it turned out, when he stuck his foot out in front of him there was a very big hole. That dog could see what the man couldn't and he saved the man from gettting very, very hurt.

Interestingly enough I had just read a story in Numbers 22 that talks about Balaam and his donkey. It tells about Balaam agreeing to work alongside of men who were trying to destroy the Israelites. They wanted Balaam to curse the Israelites, but God was not going to allow that to happen. Balaam was riding on his donkey and traveling with these men, when on the road the angel of the Lord appeared. The verses say that the angel "stood in the road to oppose him (Balaam)". When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord she veered off in order to avoid him because "she saw that he had a sword in his hand". She did this three times and all three times Balaam beat her. Verses 28-33 say, "Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and she said to Balaam, ' What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?'. Balaam answered the donkey, ' You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now!' The donkey said to Balaam, ' Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?' ' No', he said. Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown. The angel of the Lord asked him, ' Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me. The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If she had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now, but I would have spared her.' ".


I know that I have been going through life "blindly". I might think that I need to go in a certain direction in order for me to be happy. But God may stop me in my tracks because he knows that I'm headed for something that will ultimately be bad for me. He can see what I can't, so if He stops me and sends me off in a different direction, then I need to be thankful that He spared me from whatever the danger was that was up ahead of me.

Lord, I take for granted all of the times that You have kept me from trouble that I couldn't see. Help me to remember that although there are things that I go through in my life that are very difficult for me, if You weren't there to guide me, I would certainly have a whole lot more heartache in my life! Thank You for all that You have spared me from already and for all the ways that You will continue to protect me! AMEN!

The Wisdom of Being Foolish

I have been getting looks from people lately that can only be sending one message: "You belong in the looney bin!". It is hard for me to see people giving me those looks and not take it personally. But what I have chosen to do, I choose to do because I know it is what I am asked by God to do. I have decided that if God asks me to fight for a marriage that seems all but dead and gone, then I will do that. And I have also decided to tell people when they ask me why I am choosing to follow this path that it is because I would rather please God than please myself. I guess those two things alone are enough to make people think that I've lost all my marbles! I guess maybe if I didn't have the faith that I do, I probably would too.

But I will continue to be honest with people about my intentions nonetheless. 1 Peter 3:15-17 says, "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil."

The way things are going right now, I might be getting those looks for a very long time. Because most of the things that God asks me to do go against everything that we as human beings think is right. And although I will mess up along the way, I fully intend to do my best to be obedient to God. And I hope that someday people will see God bring a miracle out of this otherwise hopeless situation. Well, let me rephrase that. I know that in whatever form it takes, God will make something beyond good out of this mess! And I would rather be considered foolish to the world and endure sadness for a time on Earth than to disappoint God for eternity. 1 Corinthians 1:25 says, "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."

So, here's to being foolish....... :o)

Please God, help me not to be concerned with what others think of me. Help me to keep my focus on You and You alone in every decision that I make and every word that I speak! AMEN!

Abdicating the Throne

I have come to the conclusion that I may be a bit of a control freak. I'm not an organized person. I just don't like to be unable to make every piece of the puzzle of my life fit. My days don't usually go well when something unexpected (like life) happens. I'm not good with the unknown. I like to know what's coming at me so I can get a handle on the situation. So I can meet whatever problems come my way head on. And conquer them.

I talked to my pastor today, and he had a phrase for this behavior. I believe it was "sitting on the throne". At the time, we weren't discussing me, but upon further reflection, I have begun to understand that this is exactly what I have been trying to do. I have attempted to be Queen of my life. And let me tell you something- I make a lousy Queen!

Here are a few things I have realized....

First of all, life happens. There is nothing that I can do to change whatever events a day may bring. Whatever will be will be. And for me to get all bent out of shape over things isn't doing me or anyone else any good.

Second, I can't see the future. So, although things may happen to me that I don't care for, me being miserable or always being on the defensive will, well, just make me more miserable and defensive. In a sinful world, things are bound to not go the way I want them to. Why should I make myself crazy trying to wish that things were different?

Third, as my very wise friend pointed out, God is at work in every circumstance. Whether I like the way it looks or not, God is working on some aspect of my life at this very moment. God has plans for everything that happens to me. He has a goal in mind, and yes, eventually I want to get to that place. But my friend reminded me that if I am in a hurry to get to that place, I will miss out on everything that God wants to show me along the way. I wonder how much I've missed out on already because I was in such a hurry to get where I thought I should be????

And last but not least, the battle is the Lord's. 2 Chronicles 20:15 says, " 'This is what the Lord says to you: ' Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.' ". I see with the eyes of a mere human. I can't possibly know what good God can bring out of this situation. And whether it's what I think would be best, or whether God has something completely different in mind, I know relinquishing my control to God is what's best for me. I will abdicate my throne to the One who knows me better than I know myself.

Mark 8:34-36..... " ' If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me and the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?' ".

Lord, I pray that You will help me to not miss anything that You have to show me and teach me as I make this journey. I don't understand everything, and I don't always like what I'm going through, but if it will help me trust You more, and help others to see how very real You are, then it will all be worth it! Keep me steadfast in this decision to give up control of my life to You. I do no good when I'm on the throne! AMEN!

Have No Fear

I didn't realize it until just recently, but the truth is that I can find something to fear in any given situation on any given day. I actually am constantly on my guard because I'm sure that something is going to go wrong. Alot of that has to do with that I have had alot of things go wrong in my life. Well, at least wrong as far as I'm concerned. So, as the saying goes, I'm always "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be rejected, I don't want to lose the things that are the most precious to me, and I certainly don't want to go through anything difficult for any length of time. I don't want to spend my whole life wishing that it was better.

But as my friend pointed out, that could very well be the case. And if I did, I wouldn't be the first to have a life like that. As she said, there were children who went through the holocaust that spent their whole lives being tortured and then they died in the concentration camps. And then the Israelites when they lived in Egypt were slaves, many of them for their entire lives. So why should I expect that I am any better? Why should I be guaranteed a life of blissful happiness? Well, like it or not, I don't have that guarantee, and as long as I'm on this earth, I won't. It's how I choose to live my life in spite of what is happening to me that matters.

Proverbs 3:3-7 says, "Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil."

I may never understand why my life is what it is. I may never like what happens in my life. But what matters is whether I decide to not live in fear. I can choose to trust God even when I can't even begin to fathom what the purpose is for what I'm going through. Even when I want to scream at the top of my lungs that what I'm enduring is too much for me to bear. And although I have no idea what's in store for me at the next bend in the road, I can rely on God who is big enough to see the bigger picture. And I can look forward to heaven where God will wipe away every tear.

God, I will not pretend that I understand everything that you allow to happen in my life. And I will not pretend that I like it. But I do ask that You will help me to not be wise in my own eyes, but to look to you for understanding. And to trust you in whatever comes. AMEN!

Please Don't Rock the Boat

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. Scary, I know! :o)

In the past it's been so hard for me to understand why people aren't able to trust in God. I've wondered why they so easily put the blame on Him for everything that goes wrong in this world. I guess for most of my life I've seen that there is evil at work in this world and that there are bad things that are bound to happen as a result of that. So although I haven't liked much of what I've seen along the path of my life's journey, I've just accepted that this is what it is. That God is not at fault for things going wrong.

Ok, here comes the hard part.... Because this is where I admit that I've been questioning some of the things that I believed. I just have to make you aware that when I say that I have questioned, it is only because I have gone through such gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, I don't know how I'm still standing!, when will the tears stop pouring? days that now I am forced to confront my doubts. And admit that I am a human being. And like every other human being on the face of this earth, I am not going to understand everything that happens.

I was reading in Mark 4 about the disciples that were in the boat with Jesus. So I tried to put myself in their place. How amazing it must have been to be living, walking, eating, hearing God's very word, and spending every moment with the man they knew to be the living Son of God. Then one day, they set sail with their Lord in a boat. How could things get any better? I mean, what harm could possibly come to them when the one who raised Lazarus from the dead and turned water into wine was there to protect them? This is how I've pictured myself for years now.... in the boat with Jesus. Not afraid because I was certain that He would not allow me to be hurt.

Mark 4:37&38 say, "A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, don't you care if we drown?'." This is where I'm at right now. I've faced one too many squalls, and I'm asking Jesus, "Don't you care if I drown?" I don't know about you, but I don't like it when a boat rocks too much. I don't like to feel like I don't know what's going to happen when I'm in the middle of a storm.

I was talking to my Aunt just today about things that people go through that make them doubt God. She lost her son because someone chose to drive drunk. She went for years thinking that it was all God's fault. And then there was another person that came up in our conversation. I found out recently that this person was attending church, but then I also found out that they weren't really all that sure about God. They have doubts. It made me sad because I don't want anyone to doubt God. But then I realized: I have my doubts too. I struggle too. The truth is that when I go through things that feel like they're going to break me in two, I wonder what God is doing. I wonder why He allows me to go through so much hurt and pain and what it could possibly accomplish. It turns out that we're all in the same boat. You can't be human and not have questions. You can't be human and not get concerned when things seem like they're falling apart all around you. Or when a storm threatens to overtake your boat....

Mark 4:39-41 say, "He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ' Quiet! Be still! ' Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, ' Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith? ' They were terrified and asked each other, ' Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!' ".

I guess that's what it all boils down to. Do you have faith, or don't you? I know that alot of people look at the Bible and think that it's just a bunch of stories. Why would you actually put faith in it? My answer is this: 2 Timothy 3:16 says that all Scripture is God-breathed. God inspired man to write these words so we could learn more about Him. And so that when we read all the stories about Moses parting the Red Sea, or Noah building the Ark, or Jesus calming the waves of the sea, we would understand what a powerful God He is. And if He is that great of a God, then we should be able to put our trust in Him. Even if we don't understand why we're going through one of life's many storms. There's a song by a group called 4Him. One of their songs goes like this: "And though down here I may not understand, I won't let go of the unseen hand; for it holds the reasons why." . I don't know, but God does. And I know whatever the outcome of the storm is, I can trust God. He knows everything about me and everything I feel- He made me after all (Psalm 139). If He cared enough to make me who I am, then I know that He cares about all the other details in my life as well. And that goes for everyone else who's in the boat too.

Please God, help me and all those that I know and love trust you in spite of our pain and suffering and all the questions that come as a result. Give us the faith that it takes to believe in you even when we can't see you. AMEN!

How Many Times?

Forgiveness. It is a subject that is that is all too often misunderstood or even just plain forgotten.

The fact of the matter is this: When someone does something hurtful to me, the last thing that I want to do is to forgive them... But then again, I think alot of that has to do with your definition of forgiveness....

Webster's dictionary defines the word forgive as: "To stop feeling angry or hurt by". If everyone were to live by this definition of forgiveness, I can see why it would be so hard to forgive. Let me clarify what I mean when I say this. I believe that once someone hurts you the memory of that hurt will always be there. So whenever a person recalls something done to them the feelings of hurt are bound to tag along.

On the other hand, there is the definition of forgiveness from Jesus' perspective. I remember learning a song when I was a kid. It's called "I've Been Redeemed". There are a couple of lines that keep coming to mind from this song. "I've been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb, safe and sanctified I am, all my sins are taken away, I've been redeemed." The one particular part of the verse is what makes me realize how Jesus views forgiveness. "All my sins are taken away". To me that means that as far as God is concerned they don't exist anymore. Now I know that we are humans. We can't be perfect like God is. I know at least for myself that I can't just pretend like hurtful things never happened to me. Because I am constantly reminded of them. They flash like scenes from a movie over and over again in my mind. However, God has given me a goal. In any given situation, I am asked to act in a manner that is as close as possible to how Jesus would act. And that means when I'm hurt by someone that I need to do my best to not hold a grudge. To love the person and accept them for who they are- no matter how they treat me!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, that's not possible. That's crazy talk! Why would you do that for someone who keeps hurting you? My answer to that is because that's what God keeps doing for me!! Matthew 18:21&22 say, "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?'. Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy seven times." A footnote to that verse clarifies that this term "seventy seven times" actually means "seventy times seven". Which, if you calculate that out, is 490 times. WOW!!! That is a whole lot of forgiving! I don't really believe that God wants us to count out each time that we forgive someone, and then when we get to # 490 then we are finished. No, I believe that we are called to forgive like He does. And His forgiveness knows no bounds.

Don't get me wrong! This whole forgiveness thing is something that I will wrestle with for all of the days of my life. Because I am still a human being, and I don't like to be hurt. And it is not easy for me to see things the way God does. But I can choose to. That is up to me. Forgiveness is a choice. Not an easy one. But possible!!!

Father God, thank you for not counting my sins against me. Thank you that you don't keep a record of my wrongs against you because the weight of them would flatten me into oblivion. Help me please, even when I do not feel like forgiving, to make the choice to forgive anyway. Even if it is seventy times seven..... times seven..... times seven.... times seven.... AMEN!!