I Love You Anyway

My daughter and I have been at odds for some time now. I am very well aware that this is not an uncommon problem amongst moms and their children. Especially when it comes to teaching them right from wrong. I however, have not been sure whether our problems stemmed from just the typical mother-daughter conflict or if it has something to do with the change that has occurred in our family. It seems as though since it has been the three of us that things have gotten worse between she and I. The truth is that I could spend all day every day trying to figure out what is causing the behavior, and it still wouldn't change the fact that something is wrong and needs to be fixed.

At the end of last school year, I found out that she wasn't turning in homework. Now this year, it has been that same issue, but on top of it, her grades have been slipping in a big way. Every time I've tried to talk to her about it, I get the same answer. Ok, Mom, I'll change. I'll quit hurrying. I'll do better. And then, I find out a few days later that we're pretty much back to square one. Then there's the issue of attitude. Boy, do I catch it from her!!! There are times when I honestly want to sit back and cry because I am so at my wits' end! It all feels so hopeless sometimes. So, one day not too long ago, we were having the same discussion that we've had for months now. I feel like a broken record, and I know that she's not having any fun hearing the same things over and over again. So this time I stopped and took time to pray. I asked God what I could do to make things different. I had asked her to leave the room so I could call a friend and have her pray with me. And when she came back I told her that I wasn't happy about the grades and the attitude, but that no matter what she did or said that I would love her. I told her that there would never be anything that she could ever do in this life that would make me stop loving her. And for just a few brief peaceful moments, things were good. She told me that she knew that I loved her no matter what! So, in spite of all that we are still struggling with, I am thankful that God gave me the opportunity to make sure that she knows that my love for her does not depend on her behavior.

That got me to thinking. Dangerous, I know. I realized that my relationship with God is so very much like mine with my daughter. I have rules; she pushes and tries to get me to bend, because she wants her way. God has rules, but I push and try to see if I can get my way. She sees my rules and discipline as restrictive. She can't possibly see that I am trying to correct her behavior now so that in the future life won't be more difficult for her. God does the same with me, but I don't always want to accept that if He is correcting me it is so I will not have to learn the same lessons over and over again. She is stubborn and determined to get what she wants from me. I have been stubborn and determined to get what I want from God. She wants what she wants right now! She can't see that there are things that you just can't have right away, or that there are some things that she just can't have because they are not good for her. I am no different. I want what I want, and I don't want to have to wait. And I most certainly don't want to be told no, even if it's because God knows that something is not good for me. All of these are ways that I realized that I am no different with God than my daughter is with me.

We've been practicing a song in choir called "East to West". Every time I hear the words of that song, I am reminded of just how thankful I am that God chooses to forgive me in spite of all of my selfish and sinful ways. Psalm 103:8-18 says, "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower on the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts."

I am so thankful that God helped me to stop and take a breath and pray that day that my daughter and I were fighting and getting nowhere fast!!!! He helped me to remember what was really, truly important. The fact of the matter is that even though she drives me batty sometimes, I love her anyway. And I believe with all of my heart that God says that same thing to me: "No matter what you do, I will love you anyway."

Pass It On

Last night, I had choir practice. On the way to the church, my daughter asked me to pray for something for her. In order to understand her request, I have to give a tiny bit of detail. On her birthday, she had received some money from family. Part of it she wanted to donate to the National Wildlife Federation to help animals that are endangered. So we did that. She received a stuffed animal and a picture of a wolf that she had "adopted". She named him Buddy. :o) So, back to last night. As we were driving, she said, "Mom, can you please pray that God keeps Buddy safe?". I said that I would, but she was crying. When I asked her to tell me what was making her sad, she said that she was scared that something would happen to Buddy. To which I answered, "God knows where he is, and He will take care of him". And then, out of the mouths of babes..... she replied, "But, Mom, God takes care of us, and we still have bad things happen to us!". I sat there stunned for a minute, or maybe two or three..... I mean, hello, she's 10!!!!!!!! When I finally could find my voice again, I told her that yes, she was right, that bad things do still happen to us. And then I told her that Isaiah 55:8 & 9 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I went on to explain that if God allows something in our lives, even if it's something that we don't understand, God has a purpose for it. I continued by telling her that whatever we go through that God will bring good out of it, and will make Himself known to other people because of what He is doing in our lives.

Later in the evening and throughout this morning, I was thinking about what I had said to her. I had to ask myself if I have really been living what I believe. If I am honest, I would have to say no. Because the ugly truth is that I have been angry with my husband, but also angry with God because He allowed the fighting and the separation and the very rocky road that I have travelled since then. Now before I go any further, let me just clarify that I in no way believe that I have a right to be angry with God. I am just a human being and I have feelings that I have to learn how to deal with. And in no way is God responsible for how I react to things. After much prayer, I finally allowed God to remove the blinders from my eyes. The truth is that God is allowing this to happen because He loves me and the kids, and my husband. We are going through this because God has a plan, and when it is carried out, people will see how good God really is! Psalm 40:1-3 says, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

This is what I have come to understand about God. He is better to me than I could ever deserve. He chooses to give me good things even though I turn away from Him. And even when I go through difficult times, He brings me through them for a specific reason. Psalm 40:4 & 5 says, "Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust; who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to decalare." Who am I to judge what God is doing in my life? Do I have His understanding? Can I see what He sees? No way!!!! Do I think that I can do a better job at running my life than He can? I used to think so, but now, not so much! The bottom line is this: it's not really about me anyway!!!!! It's about people seeing the work that God is doing in me and my family.... and knowing that whatever the result of this situation that people that I love will see and know that God and only God could do these amazing things!!! I don't want to be me-centered anymore! I just want to let God do His thing in my life! That is the secret to peace in life. Trusting God and letting go of what we want, knowing that what He has for us is so very much better! Pass it on!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o)

Masterpiece

Picasso I am not. Neither can I hold a candle to Monet . How I would love to be able to paint a beautiful picture of a sunset or rolling hills with tall waving grass and flowers exploding everywhere. I wouldn't mind either being able to paint a picture of my kids when they're asleep and so very angelic looking! It just isn't meant to be though. That is not the gift that God has chosen to give me. So when I feel the need to be creative in some way, I have found another outlet. The walls of my home have become my canvas.

In a couple of the rooms I knew exactly the color that I wanted to paint. I painted one time and loved the color! The other rooms were a different story altogether. My house is older so it has a wall that separates the Living Room and my bedroom that is made out of brick. (I guess it's really true that they used to make houses much more sturdy than they do today! :o) ) At first the color scheme was to involve a color that is a cross between a maroon and brick red for the brick wall, and a tannish color to accent on the other walls. But then my friend and I were looking at some paint samples (she has 100's of them, so it can be very difficult to focus on just one color!) and I found a shade of green that I absolutely adored! It was called Pesto. As the accent color, we found a shade of very very light tan that seemed would be the perfect compliment to the Pesto. All seemed well until the whole brick wall was painted. My first clue that I made a bad choice was that when Tim came into the house, he took one look at the wall and said, "You really like that color?!?!". Let me, to my defense, just add that I did really like the color, but I wasn't looking at how it looked on my walls, I was looking at the color itself. Which was mistake # 1. Mistake # 2 came when my friend and I painted the accent color on the wall and realized that it made the green look even worse than it did on it's own. By the way, did I mention that a good part of my house has this wood planking on the walls? It is stained a rich brownish-red color, which is absolutely beautiful on the wood. However, I have found through much trial and tribulation that finding shades of paint that will go well with the aforementioned stain is not so easy to do!! Matter of fact, it has been downright exhausting!!! After taking a step back and surveying the damage of the green-scheme in my room, I decided to do what I should have done in the first place..... I went with the maroon/red brick and tan color scheme. And now my room looks beautiful!! Thank God! :o)

My next project was the Living Room. Bear in mind that the same brick wall that is in my room is also on the Living Room side. Until I began to paint this brick, I had no idea how much time and effort it would take just to paint one wall! And after the fiasco in my room, you would think that I would have learned to be certain that the color I was going to use would go well with the stain on the wood planking. But no, I didn't. My only test to see if the color would match was to hold the color card up to the wood. Well, we all know that what you see isn't always what you get. And let me tell you that I proved that not just one time, but two more times after that. Yeah, you heard me right..... Three times I painted that doggone Living Room with a color that ended up looking hideous. Actually one color was just to cover up a purple-ish color that I had picked out that ended up looking so putrid that I had to cover over it the very next day. I was up until 3 in the morning painting, and then about 6 hours later, I was back at it again to get rid of the evidence of my colossal mistake! By now I was becoming a pro at painting this brick! I guess if something good came out of this, my painting skills have improved immensely, and I am much faster as well. You know the saying, "the third time is the charm"? Well, obviously that was not the case in this room. But on the fourth try, I finally found a color that looked pretty good. Yeah! The funny thing is, the color is fairly light, so with the wood being so dark, you can hardly tell that I painted it! So now, I might just have to paint it again! Go figure!

All of this actually happened a few months ago, but I read some verses in my Bible last night that brought these memories back. Isaiah 43: 18 & 19 say, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland". Back at the beginning I mentioned that the walls of this house had become my canvas. When I painted and saw that the work was not what it should be, I started all over again. I began a new thing. And that is what God is doing with me. I am His canvas to create and design. And if what He sees in me is not what He knows is good, He too will begin a new thing in me. He is now, and I'm sure that this will happen quite often throughout my lifetime. And you know something? I am absolutely fine with that!!!! I am thankful even!! Because I don't want to stay the way that I am now! Then, someday when I am at home in heaven, God's masterpiece will finally be finished!

A Stray

I've been pondering something for a few days. This thought process started one evening as I looked out into our back yard and saw a stray cat. He has been hanging out around our house and our neighbors for quite some time. Since it is impossible for my daughter and I to see a stray and not want to help, we have been feeding and giving him water. On many occasions my daughter with the huge heart has asked if we could take him in and make him our own. Oh, how my heart wants to be able to do that! But if I am honest, what holds me back from following through is what I don't know about him. For instance, could he have some sickness or fleas or ticks that he could pass on to the cat that we already have? Could he be so sick that he might not even live for very long after we all got attached to him? If I had to take him to the vet, how much would it cost me to get him all the shots he needs and make sure that he is cleared of any disease? And then I feel guilty, so horribly bad! Because, first of all, it's not the cat's fault if he is diseased or malnourished because he's been wandering around outside for so long. And second of all, I've tried to pet him when I see him outside. And I can tell that he wants to be loved, but at the same time, he scoots away just as fast as I try to reach out to him, because he is scared.

It got me thinking that in many respects, I, and we all, are like that cat. We want to be loved, but we're scared. So we do what we think we must do to defend ourselves from being hurt. And we too, are full of the sickness called sin. Isaiah 53:6 says, "We all like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way..."

I also was reflecting on the fact that God could very easily think of me like I was thinking about that stray cat. I wondered whether it would be worth my while to take him in and love him. And I actually have let the things that could be wrong with him keep me from helping him more than just feeding him. All I can say is that I am so thankful that God does not think like I do. That He sees all that there is to see about me and still loves me. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us".

And not only does He forgive, but He goes beyond that. Zephaniah 3:17 says, "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing". I am a stray who has been adopted into the home of my heavenly Father, who loves me, and you, like no one on this earth ever could.

The Fastest Decade Ever

Tonight I am wearing a nightgown that is 10 years old. I can't believe that I still have it. By all rights the thing should be falling apart at the seams. It does look a little shabby, but I'm still wearing it. Why? Because my daughter wanted me to. Today is her 10th birthday, and I decided that as much as possible, I would do what she asked me to do today.

This all started a couple of weeks ago. I was looking through my pajama drawer one night, and as I dug through to find a specific pair that I wanted, I came across this nightgown. My daughter was in the room with me at the time, and I showed it to her. "This is the nightgown I wore the day you were born", I said. She looked at me with eyes as big as saucers, and said, "You still have it?". Which got me thinking. I wasn't even sure why I did still have this thing. I don't even wear it anymore to be honest. But for some reason in all these years I never did get rid of it. I guess maybe because every time I looked at it, it made me think of the day she was born. So I just couldn't part with it. Today, I have never been so thankful that I kept something!

The funny thing is, she was so tired that she was already almost asleep. I hadn't put on my pj's yet, so I started to think that maybe it didn't really matter after all if I wore it. Then I realized that if I didn't wear it, she would see that in the morning, and she would be disappointed. It's because I want her to know that she is so important to me that I will wear a 10 year old nightgown even when she doesn't know that I actually am wearing it.

So many memories are bombarding me as I write this. I remember everything from being checked into the hospital, to playing Uno while my contractions still weren't that bad, to being ever so greatful to my aunt and cousin for sneaking in Tootsie Pops for me ( I was so hungry I could have eaten the whole bag). And then, right around midnight, my contractions took a serious turn for the serious!!!! They meant business, let me tell you! But, ah, that sweet melody of her cry just a short 7 hours and 46 minutes later made it all worthwhile. I would not take back one day of getting nauseated, or one achy back, or even a single labor pain, because the bottom line is she was, and is so very worth it!!!! James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.". Indeed this beautiful baby was a gift from God!!

And now just like that, 10 years has come and gone. And I really can't believe as I look at her now, that all those years can pass by in such a blur! I can see images in my mind of her at different ages and different stages, and my heart aches that those moments will never come again. (I'm actually crying as I'm writing this, as those of you who know me best will not be surprised to find out.) But as much as I wish that I could have those days back, I still look forward to all that is to come in the next decade of this precious girl's life. For that time and for the rest of her life these verses come to mind: Colossians 1:9-14 says, "For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." That is my deepest desire for her life. To know that no matter how bumpy the road ahead may be, she has a Father in heaven who loves her enough to want to spend eternity with her. And who walks with her every moment of every day that she spends on this earth.

As for me, I will savor every moment that I have with her. Because before I know it, another decade will have flown by, and I won't have my beautiful little girl anymore. But in her place will be a beautiful young woman that I hope will be one of my closest friends! And who knows, maybe 10 years from now I will still have this silly nightgown, and if it hasn't been worn out to the point of being unwearable, maybe I will put it on once more, and remember the day that God blessed me with such a wondrous gift!

Letting Go

For quite a long time I didn't even know who I was as an individual. Somewhere along the way I got caught up in all of the worries and cares of life, and forgot that I could be me. Now, I feel like I'm slowly finding who I am again. But in the process, I am finding that I don't just want to find out who I am.... I want to become the person that God intends for me to be. And yet, I find myself in a struggle with my desire to be that person. How can I be so divided? How do I rid myself of the selfishness that keeps me from growing in my relationship with God?

This morning I was listening to songs on this blog as I was getting ready for church. One of them is called "I Surrender" by Steven Curtis Chapman. The words of the chorus say, "I'm giving it all back to You, I surrender. I'm giving it all back to You, I surrender. Take it all." When he sings the song, he sings it with such passion. And I find myself singing along and wanting so very much to be able to surrender my heart like that. I know that I haven't fully come to that point. I can feel it. I think I resist because I'm scared of giving up control. I'm afraid of what I don't see coming. But in my heart of hearts I know that not only would I be safe if I hand everything over to God, but He will give me more than I can ask or imagine.

Even more than that, I agree with the pastor of my church who said that he wants to be a part of whatever God is doing. I don't know the specifics of what that might mean in my life, but I do know that I want to be part of it. I don't want to be afraid of what will have to change in my life in order for God to work in me. I want to embrace whatevever God brings me through, and do so with the deepest trust in God. I want to have a heart that is willing to believe that God will do what He promised because He said that He would. Romans 4:18-21 says, "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be'. Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead- since he was about a hundred years old- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He promised."

That is the kind of faith that I want to have. That is the heart that is given over in surrender that I long for.

For a Moment

A few days ago I went and got a physical done. I figured it was probably a good idea to get checked out because, well, I just wanted to know that I was still in good health. At least I hoped so. I hadn't heard anything back about my lab work, so my over-active imagination started to kick into high gear. I started thinking about what would happen if I found out that I had a terminal illness.... How long would I have to live? What would the illness be like? Would I suffer for a long time? But more importantly, what would I try to make sure I told my kids before I died? What would I want to tell other people? What would I do with the rest of my days?

Thank goodness these thoughts only lasted for a short time before the more rational part of my brain took over! What I realized then, was that I probably wouldn't want to live my life much different than I am right now. Because right now, I have two beautiful children that I am blessed to be able to take care of and watch in amazement as they slowly figure out who God made them to be. I am working at a place that I actually like to go to every day. I have friends and family who I am so thankful for, and I love spending time with them! I have a church that I love to go to, where I am growing in my faith.

I also realized that I have some desires of my heart that have not yet been fulfilled. I hope that they will be. I have a dream of what that would look like. But even better, I can look forward to what lies ahead for me! To what God already knows He has planned for me. Well, at least for as long as God sees fit to give me breath.... Psalm 139:15&16 says, "My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

When I got home today, I got two envelopes in the mail. They were both from the doctor's office. So with the greatest anticipation, I ripped them open. And as I scanned those pages, I was overcome with joy. For there on those pages I saw one test result after another with a checkmark in the "normal" box. For a moment, I can breathe a sigh of relief. For a moment, I am sure that I am healthy and can continue to live this life that God has given me.

I also realized that I don't want to take any moments of my life for granted. That I want to live every last one of them to it's fullest potential- whether I'm spending time with my kids or scrubbing the bathroom floor. Whatever it is that I do in any given moment, I want to live it in a way that will show God how very thankful I am for all that He has blessed me with!

AMEN!!!