Taking a Tumble

I was just on the phone with my friend. During most of the conversation we were discussing things about God and how He is at work in different ways in our lives. A few times though, she was trying to help her son play a game called Pitfall. The last time she played I heard her say, "I can't help you get to the top. I get all the way up there (to the top of the tree) and then I fall down." Which simultaneously caused me to laugh and have a lightbulb go on in my brain.....

I've been reading in the book of Judges the last few days. Every chapter that I have read speaks of the Israelites turning from God and sinning against Him. Because of their disobedience God allowed them to fall into the hands of their enemies. But after a time when they felt that things were too unbearable for them to be able to go on, they cried out to God. And when they did, He sent someone to rescue them from their captivity. In essence, He would lift them up out of their misery. And there they would sit on the treetop, living in peace, because they lived in obedience to God. After a time they would disobey and fall again. They would live in captivity again. And when it became unbearable, they cried out to God and He lifted them up again. A vicious cycle, yes, but one that I see in my life quite often.

It occured to me that whenever I take a tumble, or sin, or question God, I have a tendency to try to climb back up that tree on my own. But the truth of the matter is that there is no way that I will ever reach that place of peace and living in obedience to God on my own. I can only do that with God's help. Yes, God has made me a strong and stubborn individual, but without Him I am too weak to live like He has asked me to. But God is faithful! Like the Israelites whey they cried out to Him, He will answer me when I call out to Him in the midst of my darkest hour. Even if I do take a spill every now and again, God will still carry out His plan in my life, in spite of me. Philippians 1:6 : "... being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Thank you Lord, that your plan does not depend on whether I always make the right choices or do everything just right. I look forward to all that you will accomplish in my life, in spite of how many falls I may have. AMEN!

A Call To Persevere

I was putting some laundry in my kids drawers today. As I did, I was amazed at what I found in their drawers. I'm starting to think that maybe they're packrats. Of course if they are, they come by it naturally. I was the same way when I was a kid. In one drawer I found a bag with pennies, staples, thumbtacks, and cards. In another drawer I found papers galore. In yet another drawer there was a nail file. I should know by now not to be surprised when I find these things, but I must admit that I still am. Sometimes I'm even afraid to look in their drawers because in the past I have found "science experiments" that my daughter is in the process of working on.... or forgetting in her drawer.

It dawned on me while I was digging the more dangerous objects out of the drawer, that this is often how I approach life. I live in dread of what I'm going to find, or of the things that will happen that I don't want to happen.

Take for instance this morning at church. The pastor was preaching on Ephesians 5:22-24 which says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." And then he went on with verses 25-33. Verse 25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her...". Verse 28-29 say, "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he cares for it and feeds it, just as Christ does the church." If I would have known what the sermon for today was, I might not have gone. This is a hugely painful subject for me. In all honesty, this is a part of the Bible that I have not known what to do with as it pertains to my life. As the pastor said, there are many women who go to marriage counseling who feel like they rank at the bottom of the list of their husband's priority list. And in turn they have a hard time submitting to their husbands. Personally, I don't believe that I even rank anywhere on my husband's list of priorities, and I haven't for a very long time. So to hear what the pastor was saying made me bawl like a baby. I want to be able to have that kind of relationship, but it is non-existent right now.

So, when I left the church, with tears still streaming down my face, I had to ask God what on earth I am possibly supposed to do in my situation. How can I apply those verses to my circumstances when I don't even have a relationship with my husband to work on? And then God impressed on me that I can still do what I am asked to do in spite of what someone else is not doing. I am asked to submit. Period. That means in whatever decisions that my husband makes, including whether we stay married or not.... And also to continue to submit no matter the length of time.

Why? Because of what Romans 5:2 -4 say. "... And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope." I have realized something very important... I am not doing this for my benefit or for my husband's benefit or even for our children. I am persevering because I know that if I choose to be obedient to God, then His plan and purpose will be accomplished. And I know that His plan and purpose include what is best for my family (Jeremiah 29:11).

I hurt deeply. I am wounded by all that I have had to endure. But so was Jesus and that didn't stop Him from following God's plan. His ultimate pain brought about our greatest joy. (Eternity in heaven.) This is difficulty for me. Some days I long to choose my own way.... But what I dream of and long for can't compare with God's plan for me and my family. Whatever that might be. I can't see the outcome of these days that seem so long now. But I know someday I'll be able to look back and see why God brought me through all of this. And the end result will be worth all that I have to go through now.

God, I beg you to help me continue to persevere in spite of the pain. And I pray that I am not the only one who will see the good that you will bring about. But I also pray that I will not live just in expectancy for the day that things will be different, but to live in the hope that you have given me for today and every day! AMEN!!

Let There Be Light

Awhile back, my friend told me that she felt like God was going to do some closet-cleaning in my life. Well, I'm thinking now that God was forewarning me through her! Only at the time, I had no idea what He had in store! I'm also certain that there is alot more to come that I cannot possibly know about at this point. And if I did, it would probably only make me go bonkers, because then I would know what was coming but still not when where and how.

So, here I am six months after my husband moved out. I don't even know how to explain this last half year, except to say that my emotions have been all over the map, and my faith has had some severe testing! I feel like all the ideas that I had of what my life should be like are being thrown out the window! What I thought I wanted, I am finding out is not what I need. But figuring this out has been oh, so painful!! I forget what the analogy was that I used when I was talking to my friend about how I felt.... But she came up with the perfect description..... I'm being gutted! Everything in me that I've been holding onto as truth is being stripped away!

Which brings me to the image I got in my head when she said the word gutted. It was a picture of a Jack-O-Lantern in the making. We all know that in order for a pumpkin to become a Jack-O-Lantern, it first has to be cut open.... wide open! And then someone has to take a spoon and scrape and dig, and scrape and dig, and scrape and dig God only knows how many times until every last bit of the guts and seeds have been removed. When all the insides have been removed, then the bottom has to be leveled out so that a candle can sit evenly on it without tipping over. After all of that, the face is carved out, so that people can see what's on the inside..... I am so that Jack-O-Lantern! 2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.". One word in that passage sums up what God is doing in me right now: transformation. If a pumpkin were alive and had to feel all the cutting, and scraping and pulling going on inside of it to make the Jack-O-Lantern, then I'm sure it could identify with how I feel during this time of transformation. I am learning during this time, as hard as the change is for me, that I have been looking for fulfillment from and also trying to please the wrong person. There is only One who will never fail me or abandon me, and that is God.

Which brings me back to the Jack-O-Lantern. The purpose for the cutting and gutting is so that a candle can be placed inside so that people will see the light on the inside. 2 Corinthians 4:6 says, "For God, who said, ' Let light shine out of darkness,' made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.". And that, my friends, is the reason for this makeover I am receiving. An internal makeover. But the most important kind. This is truly my very reason for existence: To let God put the candle in me so that people will see His light.

So, as painful as this has been for me, would I change it? Not for the world! I hope that whatever I go through, people will see this change for what it is. Not me trying to sweep my problems under the rug. But me allowing God to do with me as He chooses so others will know that it is Him who is at work in my life!

God, I am so very human, and any little mistake I make can distract people from what you are doing in my life. So please help them to look past me and see your light instead! AMEN!!

Off the Beaten Path

I'm going to take a bit of a different direction today. I'm just adding a quick note here, and then I'm going to post a poem that I wrote very early this morning. It kind of sums up much of what I have felt lately. And I haven't written a poem in over 9 months, so I'm kind of excited about it.

Anyway, I wanted to share that I finally did break that pitcher that I was talking about. The funny thing is, it did turn out to be just as stubborn as me!!! I tried to break it three times in my kitchen, and wouldn't you know the darn thing just didn't want to break!!! I'm not joking! I let it drop from a good height, and the silly thing bounced off the floor like it was made of plastic! But then, I took it and dropped it on cement and it finally busted into pieces. That is so much like me! Just about impossible to break, and then when I finally do, it takes the hardest things to make me crack! Anyway, just thought that was something I should share. I'm sure it will be interesting trying to put the thing back together again! :o)

So, here goes.... It's the first time that I've shared a poem on this blog. But it's where I'm at right now.....

OH ME OF LITTLE FAITH

On this battleground where I've been chased,

I've retreated with the greatest haste

For the arrows whizzing by my head

Have filled me with the deepest dread.

And as these worries crowd my mind,

My enemy robs my poor heart blind.

Though I feel like giving up the fight,

One greater still has known my plight.

The same God who parted the Red Sea

Has come to wage this war for me;

Even then I find myself with doubts,

"Oh me of little faith!", I shout!

For God who made the sun and stars

Has been the bearer of my deepest scars;

And though I long to feel no pain,

Each day I live is not in vain...

Even when I cannot understand,

I'll have faith in all that God has planned.

And that is my prayer, God, that I will have faith in You no matter what I do or do not understand! AMEN!

In the Hands of the Potter

I've had this pitcher for a couple of months now. Maybe even longer. To be honest, I've kind of lost track of the time. I purchased it because my friend told me about a little experiment that another woman tried. She took a simple pitcher which represented her life, and let it fall to the floor and shatter into pieces. And then she put it back together again. Sounds goofy right? I mean, why would you take something that is whole, and let it break into hundreds of tiny bits, only to try to put it back together again??

Which brings me back to my point earlier-- that I still have this pitcher. It is still in one piece. One big, unbroken piece.... And it is that way for a reason. Because it really does symbolize my life. The point of this exercise is to allow the pitcher to be broken so that it can be re-shaped. But I haven't been able to bring myself to break it because then it would mean that I am allowing myself to be broken in spirit. And I, my friends, do not take kindly to being broken. I am as stubborn as a mule! As an ox! "Why do I need to be fixed?", is what I think. "Why can't it be the other guy?" is my plea. And God's answer is this: "But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? ' Shall what is formed say to Him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" ' ". (Romans 9:20). Ouch!!! I think it probably hurts me more to think that I might have offended God and kept Him from doing His work in me than it would hurt for me to allow myself to be broken and reshaped by Him.

The reality is that God knows me so much better than I know myself. It doesn't seem possible that there could be someone who could know us better than we know ourselves, but there is (Check out Psalm 139 and you will see). And if God knows me that intimately, than why am I so afraid of letting Him make me into something that He knows will be better in the long run? Jeremiah 18:4 says, "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.".

I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of letting go of all that I know and allowing Someone else to take control of the reins. My friend made a comment earlier today that I am paying more attention to now. I had told her that I felt like I was stuck. That I wasn't really moving forward anywhere. I want to move. And she told me that I would move forward faster if I wasn't digging in my heels. To which I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I'm letting God do whatever He wants to do.". But even though I've felt like I'm giving up control of my life to God, I don't believe that I really could have. Because God won't take control if someone isn't really willing to let Him. If I don't allow myself to become broken, how can God change me? I will be stuck if I keep this up!

I think maybe it's time for me to break that pitcher!!!!!!! Maybe then I can truly be clay in the hands of the Potter!

God, You know the deepest parts of me! You know what is best for me! I don't! Help me to forget and let go of all that I've thought was best so that You can do what You know is best! Not just for me, but for my whole family as well! Your will be done! AMEN!!

All Fired Up

I am thankful that I live in a country where I am not restricted by laws that govern how I can or can't express my devotion to God. I know that there are plenty of people that live in countries where they are not allowed to share their faith in any way with other people without fear of being punished for it.

Kind of like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. They were told by their king that they were not to worship any other god. But whenever they heard any kind of instrument play, they were to bow down and worship the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. Well, these three men wanted nothing to do with worship of anyone other than God Himself. So, they refused to bow down to the image of gold. And when they were found out by the king, he became angry and threw them, tied up, into the fiery furnace, heating it "seven times hotter than usual" (Daniel 3:19). But Nebuchadnezzar was in for a big surprise..... Daniel 3:25-27 says, "He said, 'Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.' Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, ' Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!' So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governers and royal advisers saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them."

The truth of the matter is that there is not a human being on the face of this Earth that does not walk through his or her own fire at one time or another. But for those of us who put our hope in God, we will not walk through the fire alone. I am so thankful to know that the God who saved Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the fire is the God who is with me no matter how hot the furnaces in my life are! And I'm even more thankful that I still have the ability to write about my faith so openly, so that hopefully other people will know that they can trust God with their lives too!

Thank You God for the freedom that we have to live in faith and to be able to openly share our faith with others. AMEN!!!

Blind

My daughter Megan is in 4th grade this year. Her teacher is a trainer for lead dogs for the blind, so this year Megan has the priviledge of having a puppy named PJ in her class. Her teacher has been teaching the kids many things about lead dogs and they are even given the opportunity to help take care of him during the day. I am truly excited about this. What a way to expand her horizons! But mine are getting expanded as well...

Megan came home one day after school and told me this story that they heard about a lead dog, and the person that he helped. Apparently, the man was walking down the middle of a street, when suddenly the dog stopped. The man kept urging the dog to move forward, but the dog would not budge! I'm sure he was beyond frustrated at this point. But eventually understanding must have dawned on him that the dog was not moving for a reason. The teacher told Megan's class that the man finally stuck his foot out in front of him to see if there was something in front of him that was making the dog stop like he did. And that man had to be very thankful that the dog was as stubborn as he was, because as it turned out, when he stuck his foot out in front of him there was a very big hole. That dog could see what the man couldn't and he saved the man from gettting very, very hurt.

Interestingly enough I had just read a story in Numbers 22 that talks about Balaam and his donkey. It tells about Balaam agreeing to work alongside of men who were trying to destroy the Israelites. They wanted Balaam to curse the Israelites, but God was not going to allow that to happen. Balaam was riding on his donkey and traveling with these men, when on the road the angel of the Lord appeared. The verses say that the angel "stood in the road to oppose him (Balaam)". When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord she veered off in order to avoid him because "she saw that he had a sword in his hand". She did this three times and all three times Balaam beat her. Verses 28-33 say, "Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and she said to Balaam, ' What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?'. Balaam answered the donkey, ' You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now!' The donkey said to Balaam, ' Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?' ' No', he said. Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown. The angel of the Lord asked him, ' Why have you beaten your donkey these three times? I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me. The donkey saw me and turned away from me these three times. If she had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now, but I would have spared her.' ".


I know that I have been going through life "blindly". I might think that I need to go in a certain direction in order for me to be happy. But God may stop me in my tracks because he knows that I'm headed for something that will ultimately be bad for me. He can see what I can't, so if He stops me and sends me off in a different direction, then I need to be thankful that He spared me from whatever the danger was that was up ahead of me.

Lord, I take for granted all of the times that You have kept me from trouble that I couldn't see. Help me to remember that although there are things that I go through in my life that are very difficult for me, if You weren't there to guide me, I would certainly have a whole lot more heartache in my life! Thank You for all that You have spared me from already and for all the ways that You will continue to protect me! AMEN!