Take It Or Leave It

For most of my life I've lived in the shadow of other people. I've compared myself to this person or that person, never believing that I quite measured up. But to what standards? The answer is to those that are impossible for any human being to measure up to. I have taken images of people that seem to have it all together. I have gathered these bits and pieces from various people and pasted them together to make a collage of virtual impossibility of perfection, and then hung it on the bulletin board of my mind so that I could become that perfect individual.

When I take a deeper look at those seemingly perfect individuals, I have been confronted with a striking truth. No one person is perfect. No one person has it all together. It would seem that after the number of years I have been on this earth that I would be aware of this. But, it's funny how I, and other individuals like myself, can be so easily deceived into thinking that they have to fit someone else's idea of what the perfect person is to be accepted and loved. WHATEVER!!

I want my kids to learn early on that it's ok to be who you are. I want them to be able to look at themselves in an open and honest manner and see their positives and their negatives. I want them to be able to use the strengths and the gifts that they've been given to their fullest potential. But I also want them to admit their weaknesses openly and to try to make changes and improvements where necessary. I don't want them to be afraid to fail, because at some time, or many times in our lives we all fail. I want more than anything for them to see exactly who they are and be able to love and respect themselves and not give into the temptation to become something they aren't to please someone else. I want them to not make the same mistakes that I have, even though I know that they will make plenty of their own.

I made a list of qualities about myself, both good and bad, and things that just are who I am. I made this list in hopes that someday soon my children will see this honest evaluation of myself, and be able to do the same for themselves.

I am mother, sister, daughter, grand-daughter,niece, aunt, friend, and soon to be ex-wife. I am an emotional roller coaster. I cry one minute and laugh the next. I lose my temper and then I learn how to control my anger. I hurt for myself and I hurt for other people's pain. I expect too much and I expect too little. I am a singer and a writer. I believe in others but don't believe in myself. I am a believer but I get caught up in sin. I am intelligent yet sometimes foolish. I love deeply. I build walls to protect myself when I am hurt by someone which causes me to be unable to love the way that I am called to. I forgive but then I don't always forget. I am weak, and then I am strong. I depend on myself too often. I have a difficult time trusting others. At the end of my life I want to be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to be the best person that I could be, even though I know I won't ever be able to do everything right.

This is the person that I am with all my strengths and weaknesses. Either people will love me for who I am, or they won't love me at all. And either way, I will be ok with that. Someday I hope that my kids will be able to come to terms with who they are, the good and the bad. And I hope that they will be able to stand up for themselves when someone wants to change them for their own gain, and say, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it."

I Don't Know

I think, therefore I must ask "why".

Well, maybe I don't really have to ask why, but that is the nature of my beast. I am a need to know kind of person. If something doesn't make sense to me, I will dig and prod and poke around and then dig some more until I find my answer. Sometimes the answer satisfies me, and sometimes it doesn't. And if, by some chance, I cannot find an answer, I will inevitably torture myself by running the "what-if's" and "how can that be" 's in a maddening, never-ending circle until I've made myself dizzy with the senselessness of it all. You would think by now that I would stop this relentess run on the hamster-wheel of the quest for answers. I can only hope that someday I will...

One of my biggest struggles is with the matter of feelings. I have so many thoughts on this subject, and one question leads to another, to another, and to another until I end up like a cat chasing my own tail. To get a better picture of how my complicated mind works, here are a few of the questions and/ or thoughts that compete for my attention:

Question: Why do I have feelings that allow me to feel pain and suffering? Thought: But if I didn't feel those things then I wouldn't have compassion for people who are suffering. Thought: I can't always trust my feelings because they can be misleading. Question: Then why do I have feelings in the first place? Question: What is the purpose for these feelings if they can cause me to be so misguided? Thought: But if I didn't have feelings, then I wouldn't be the person that I was meant to be. They are a huge part of what makes me who I am. I think and I feel everything from the very deepest parts of my being.

I think it is evident now that I can exhaust myself by allowing my mind to roam freely. The truth of the matter is that these are all valid questions and thoughts. The problem, however, is that I can ask these questions til I'm blue in the face and I still won't come up with the answer to my "why"'s. At least not for now, and maybe I never will have them.

There are times when my kids will come to me with questions or dilemmas. For the most part I am able to use the experiences I have had in my own life to instruct or answer them. But there are times when they have questions that I just don't have an answer for. To be honest, I have struggled with this. I feel that as their mom I should be able to provide wisdom for them. But, how am I to do that when I don't even understand everything? In a way it's kind of scary knowing that I'm trying to raise children while I'm still groping my way around in the dark. But then again, it's not really that scary. Because I have learned that I can use one little phrase, and that there is nothing wrong with having to use it at times. The phrase? "I DON'T KNOW".

I have come to the conclusion that it's ok to admit that I don't have all the answers. I can admit that to my kids, and I can admit that to myself and to anyone else who is willing to listen. I am human, and I can't possibly know everything there is to know. And even more, I can't drive myself batty worrying about why things are the way they are and trying to make sure that all the puzzle pieces fit neatly into place. Life is not like that. If we were supposed to know everything we would. And the thing is, I am learning to accept that I can put my mind to rest knowing that even though I don't know all the answers, there is Someone who does. I want my kids to grow up knowing that they aren't expected to be perfect; that there are going to be things for the rest of their lives that they will puzzle over. But my hope is that they won't be as entangled in the trap of believing that they have to have answers for everything. There is such freedom in being able to say, "I DON'T KNOW".

The End of the Road

It will never cease to amaze me how one single day can have so many ups and downs. How so many emotions can be felt within a matter of hours, or sometimes even mintues.

Those who know me best are keenly aware of my already emotional nature. To be completely honest, sometimes it drives me batty that I can laugh one minute and then cry the next. And I am often carried away by my emotions. (I am learning that there are times when it's a good thing that I feel so deeply. But I have to be cautious about being ruled by my feelings too.)

Today my emotions got taken for quite a ride. To start out with as I was driving to drop off Meg and then on my way to work, I remember feeling thankful that I was not one of many cars that I saw in the ditch due to poor driving conditions. And yet, as I pulled into work and went running to the time clock, only to punch in a minute late, I was griping instead of being thankful that I had made it safe and sound. But it's funny, now that I think about it, because as I was driving, I remember thinking how it could only take a second, and I could get into a wreck and then nothing else that was going on in my life would matter because my life could be over just that quickly. But I'll come back to that.....

As the morning went on, I found that I was very much enjoying myself talking with the people that I work with, and just being thankful that I have work to do and a good place to do that work in. Then the worry of driving again in poor conditions. Next stop is picking up the kids and laughing my head off at a silly friend. Then comes a call where I get my rear end chewed off for nothing. And tears, streaming down my face from the sadness that turn into tears of gratitude when I hear a song that reminds me of God's unending and undeserved love for me. And then the tears of sadness again as thoughts of how I want my life to be enter the picture. And still crying, I pull up to the mailbox, find a Christmas card from a "Secret Santa" who has sent an unexpected gift, at which time the tears change from tears of sadness to tears of utter thankfulness. (By the way, I pray that whoever the Secret Santa may be, and all of the people who have helped me out in so many ways will be blessed immeasurably!) Later still, as I am shoveling, I am heavy-hearted at the thought of bearing burdens alone.

But then a moment of clarity comes, and I am reminded of a chapter in Ecclesiastes that my mom had suggested that I read. Chapter 9 verses 7,10,11, and 12 say this: "Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working or planning nor knowledge nor wisdom. I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all. Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come..."

That last verse is the a truth we all have to face. There will be an end of the road. No question about it. And all of the things that happen in a given day are just the twists and turns that occur in any road. The most important thing, I have come to realize, is that no matter what each bend in the road brings, it's how I deal with it that matters. I want to take each moment and live it to the fullest, whether I'm laughing or crying, loving or angry, or anything in between. Because each moment is a gift, and I can choose to see all the good God has given me no matter what my situation is. My greatest desire is that I hope that people will see by what God has done in my life that there is a Father in Heaven who wants to know them and love them too. And that the end of this road really is only the beginning....

Somebody's Nobody

I've been reading a book lately by Frank Peretti. It's called the Prophet. I've actually read this one before, but I have a tendency to go back and reread books that I love. And this was one of the ones that I loved!!! As you will see as I write more, I do not believe for a second that the timing of my re-reading this book is a coincidence!

The main character, John Barrett, is a news anchor, and he lives a life that is socially acceptable. His father, John Sr., is a Christian, and he speaks out against things that he knows are wrong in God's eyes. So needless to say, they don't agree on many things, and don't spend much time together. Jr. is often embarassed by the actions and words of his father, until one day his father dies and he starts digging into the details of his father's life. In his quest to find out who his father really was, he begins to see things from his Dad's point of view. Especially because somewhere along his journey to find things he didn't know, he starts to hear voices. What he hears are things that no one else can hear. There are cries of anguish and sorrow and loneliness that come from the very depths of the human heart. He hears things that in reality only God knows.

I myself know those cries, the ones that if one could actually hear them, would pierce even the hardest of hearts. Because I have felt the loneliness, the hopelessness, the agony of loss, the horrors caused by greed and selfishness. And in such a big world, who am I but a speck, a nobody. I've seen the eyes of others, and I know that I am not the only one to ever feel this way. Eyes are the windows to the soul. And even if a person's face holds a smile, underneath, every single one of us holds pain that is unspeakable to bear by ourselves alone.

You see, the truth is, that I am not nobody because I belong to Somebody. And He sees all the hurt that I try to hide from everyone else. He sees when I am crying on the inside, but have to smile because it is not the time or the place to allow for weakness to show. He knows when I am at the end of myself, when I am so weak from grief that I can go no further, and gives me strength to go on when I can't do it alone. Psalm 142: 1-3 says, "I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before Him; before Him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who knows my way." Isaiah 40:28-31 says, "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I may feel alone, but I'm not. And sometimes I feel like I don't matter, but I do. To God. And so does everyone else that ever was, is now, or ever will be. Song of Songs 8:6 & & 7 says, "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." He knows everything about us, our hopes, cares, worries, pain, and all of our mistakes. And He still loves us. We have the priveledge of being offered the gift of becoming a child of God. Nobody can love us better than He can!

My Cup Runneth Over

It's time for the holidays again. I love this time of year. Mostly because people's hearts tend to be more willing to give and love, to help others and to forgive. What better time of year for eyes to be opened to all the wonders of God. I've been sort of dreading how I would feel because of this separation. I wasn't sure where the kids would spend their time. I was sad because I thought of all the years that were spent together as a family sharing the holidays. But then I realized that I still had alot to be thankful for. And that got me thinking that I should make a mental note of these things and try to remind myself of them whenever I got sad. And then I realized that it would be a good idea for the kids too. So I asked them to sit down and write a list of what they were most thankful for.

Megan came up with this:
"I'm thankful for family. I'm thankful for my fish, turtle, and cat. I'm thankful for mom and dad. I'm thankful for my house. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my bed."

Josh had this to say:

"I'm thankful for family, playstation (go figure :o) ), computer, TV, radio, Christmas, Ozzie (dog), Teddy (cat), Thanksgiving, Easter, Jesus being born (WOW!!), markers, crayons, school (Did not expect that one! :o) ), showers, clothes, rugs, chairs, hair, God, video games, cds, movies, pool tables, shampoo, and lastly freedom."

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!!!! :o) :o)

Well, I have to put my two cents in as well, so here is my list:

1.) My two beautiful babies (I know, they're not really babies anymore, but they WILL always be my babies!!!!)

2.) My family and friends who have loved me and supported me and stuck with me through all of my ups and downs!!!

3.) That God has proved that in one way, shape or form, He will always provide whatever we need!!

4.) That I have the gift of life, and that every day is a chance for me to do better than the day before.

And on that note.....

5.) That God loves me in spite of my faults, that He doesn't give up on me even when I'm sure that He has every right to kick me to the curb, and that He has promised that I will have a home with Him in heaven someday.

Ephesians 2:8 & 9 says, "For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast."

John 14:1-3 says, " 'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in Me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am.' "

I have nothing to complain about. I have more love, and laughter and blessings than anyone could ever ask for. "My Cup Runneth Over". Now I just have to remember to thank God even when things look so dismal. Because no matter what my circumstances look like, He is still God, and He will always be with me.

Tug Of War

Imagine this scene. You're in a large room with row upon row of seats for spectators. There are bright lights everywhere. The brightest of them directed towards the center of the room, where a section has been roped off for the main event. Speaking of ropes, the one and only object that is present at the moment is an enormous rope, half black and half red. For now, all is silent. But within minutes people begin to file in and fill the seats. All too quickly the seats are filled and there are people shouting out in excited voices, speaking of who they think should win the contest.

After a bit the annoucer steps into the spotlight. He begins with a flourish: "Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Main Event. Tonight you will witness a grueling battle of wills. On the red side of the rope, Jesus Christ, the One the Only, the Son of God!!!!........" People scream at the top of their lungs shouting praises and yelling out "Jesus Reigns, Jesus Reigns!!!!" as Jesus comes out and takes His place at His end of the rope. The announcer continues, "And on the black end of the rope, representing all that is so evil and sad in this world, Satan...." All around the room, ring out the "boos" from people long disgusted by the havoc wreaked by this being. Satan takes his place, and then the announcer continues. "And in the middle of the rope, ready to be swayed this way or that.... Kristin." The room falls deathly silent. Everyone stares at the woman as she approaches the middle of the rope. She hangs on tightly to the rope, and then the pulling begins. First Jesus gives a good yank, saying "She has been washed clean by the blood of the Lamb. She is a child of the King. You have no power over her!!!" And then Satan yanks back with the retort, "Yes, but she still has her own desires, her own choices. And she wants everything to go her way. She doesn't want to surrender her will!"

And then, in the strangest turn of events, the woman steps back from the rope. Slowly, ever so slowly, she walks down to the end of the black rope and takes it from Satan. Without looking up, she begins to pull on the rope. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she tells Jesus, "I don't want life to be so full of pain!! I only want things to get better, to be easier. Can't you see how good my life would be if only You would allow me to have everything that I want?" And Jesus, with tears in His eyes, stops pulling the rope. With the deepest anguish in His voice, He says, "Don't you know by now that I never intended for it to be this way? The sadness, the loss, the separation, death, none of it!!!!!!!!! But choices were made and things are as they are in this fallen world. So My Father sent me to fix what was broken so long ago. That part has been accomplished, but now comes the rest of the journey. And I love you so much that I will walk with you every step. At times, I will carry you, when you need it the most. I have not forgotten you, and I will never leave you. I have not promised that you will not go through difficult times. Indeed you will. But I will bring you through them. My dearest Kristin, you must go through these things so that God can accomplish His purpose for you." And then with the gentlest, yet the strongest tug on the rope, Jesus pulls the woman so she is standing right before Him. In that brief second, she finds herself staring into the eyes of the One who loves her with the greatest love ever known. She sees in those eyes the promises made for her, the ones that were made long before she ever came to exist. And she knows that the fight must come to an end. So she drops the rope and places her hands in the hand of Jesus. "I surrender", she says, "Because I know that whatever road I travel, You will be with me. I am weak and You are strong. And I trust that You know what is best for me!" And Jesus, with a smile and tears in His eyes, replied, "You never did have to fight me..... I've been on your side all along!!!!!"

Hebrews 12:1 & 2 say this: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

How the Battle Was Really Won

Uncertainty. Hopelessness. Defeat. These are traits that would characterize my life if I didn't have such a loving Father to help me. Often times if I let myself, I can lean in that direction anyway. It is far too easy, I have learned, to allow how I live to be dictated by my circumstances or my feelings. But that is not how God would have me live.

This morning when I was listening to the radio, the lead singer of a band was speaking about something in the Bible that had made an impression on him. He was talking of King Jehoshaphat, in 2 Chronicles 20. Jehoshaphat and his people were to go into battle with an army that was much bigger than they. But the word of the Lord was spoken through Jahaziel, who told them in verses 15-17: " 'Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem!This is what the Lord says to you: "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God's. .... Take your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you" ' ".

Upon reading these words, my first thought was that the people had to be in awe that the God of all creation would make a promise like that. How good would it feel to know in the depths of your soul that something that looked like it could only end up going horribly wrong was actually going to turn out in your favor?????? And then to hear the words, "For the battle is not yours but God's"....... They didn't have to strategize. They didn't need to plan an escape route just in case things didn't go according to plan. Because God was the One with the plan. And He promised that He would give them the victory.

The other thing that was said by the lead singer on the radio this morning was what really grabbed my attention. He said that Jehoshaphat sent the musicians out before the army. He went on to say that it didn't seem quite right to send men out with no weapons in front of the men who were all geared up for the fight. But he pointed out that God doesn't operate how we would. 2 Chronicles 20:20-24 says, "Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, ' Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful.' After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise Him for the splendor of His holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying, 'Give thanks to the Lord, for His love endures forever.' As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated. The men of Ammon rose up against the men of Mount Seir to destroy and annihilate them. After they finished slaughtering the men from Seir, they helped to destroy one another. When the men of Judah came to the place that overlooks the desert and looked toward the vast army, they saw only dead bodies lying on the ground; no one had escaped."

Without one soldier having to lift a finger, the enemies of Jerusalem and Judah were defeated. And it happened because the people praised God before He had even done what He said He would do. They believed, and they responded in faith, singing to the Lord with their whole hearts. And because the people put their trust in Him and praised Him, God proved that He is indeed faithful to keep His promises! And He proved that He can and will accomplish what He set out to do with or without us. He does not need us to make things happen! We need Him!! And I want to remember to praise Him in every circumstance in my life. Because He has promised that He has a hope and a good future for me. And He has promised that He does all things for the good of those who love Him. So whatever it is that each day will bring, I want to be sure to let Him know that I believe Him and that I trust Him with all my heart. And then I'm going to sit back and watch as He brings victory in every battle of my life.