Reasons

Recently I found myself in a discussion with an acquaintance of mine. The topic of our conversation was about my recent loss of a job. Obviously, I am now in a much more difficult position financially. This circumstance, along with a few other pretty major setbacks, has somewhat taken the wind out of my sails. However, I have seen God at work enough times in my life to know that what I see in my present circumstances isn't the end of everything. As this woman was empathizing with my plight, I found myself stating an often used phrase. "Everything happens for a reason."

Almost as soon as the words escaped my mouth, I found myself examining the depth of their meaning. Is it really true that there is a greater purpose for everything that happens in this life? As I reflected on that question, I came to no definite conclusion. On one hand, I believe that there are indeed circumstances that God allows in our lives because He knows that, when we have overcome the current trial, with His help of course, that it will bring us to a place of trust and understanding that we would not have otherwise known. 1 Corinthians 1:25 says, "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."

On the other hand, one could argue that there are things that happen simply because each man has free will. Each man's choice has consequences, whether they be good or bad. I have made decisions in my own life that have brought about negative consequences. But what about choices that others make that impact my life, the ones that I have no control over? The same holds true for every other human being on planet Earth. There are always things that occur in our lives that leave us with more questions than answers. Things that seem to be without reason or purpose.

There are some things that I am not sure that we will have answers for in this lifetime. The truth of the matter is that we could spend countless hours and days chasing our philosophical tails and still not have the answer to why we endure some of life's hardships. Believe me when I say that this is a very difficult pill for me to swallow. I like to understand the why's of everything. But I can't and I won't understand everything. It all comes down to whether I'm willing to put my trust in Someone who is far greater than myself or any understanding that I may wish to have, regardless of what my circumstances might be. 2 Corinthians 4:8 & 9 says, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:17 & 18 says, "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

The way that I should have responded to the woman that I was talking to is this: "I am not sure why some of the bad things happen in my life. What I am absolutely certain of is that I have a Father who knows every detail, and (as my friend Robin says) is not surprised by anything that happens to me. And that very same Father has a plan for me. Whatever the reasons are for the trials that I am facing, I know that I can trust Him to bring good out of the situation. I know that through these difficulties, I will be made stronger. And, right now, that is all I really need to know."

The Gift

Gifts are given all the time. Even at this moment, someone somewhere in the world is giving someone a gift. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are appreciated, some are just politely tolerated, and some are accepted with the greatest of joy.

But all gifts, save one, will someday be meaningless. Even the most expensive, prized possessions are guaranteed to have the same fate. Either they will be set aside and forgotten in light of something better that comes along, or they will deteriorate over time. Things that are man-made all have an expiration date. They all wear down or break down. Although it is true that some can be fixed and re-used, eventually they wear out for good. At some point they will become disposable.

There is one gift that has the potential to last a lifetime-and beyond. That gift is love. It is the one thing that in and of itself, is true and lasting. It is the only thing that can be given over and over again that does not cost a dime. It is given so freely and so easily because it's source is unlimited. Unfortunately love is often looked at quite the same as any other gift. It is treated as if it too is disposable. Like any item that appears to be broken, at the first sign of trouble, or if it doesn't seem to be the "perfect fit", it is discarded; tossed away like yesterday's trash.

How I long for the day when people will learn to see past all that is superficial. When circumstances and trials will not stand in the way of hearts being opened to something so amazing and beautiful. And I long for the day when eyes will be opened and see what a better world this could be if instead of living in the hurt of the past, and allowing it to control our every move and decision, we would allow love to overtake us in spite of ourselves and live in it, and pass on the most precious gift that ever was or ever will be.

When The Thunder Roars

This morning I awoke to the sound of rain beating down on the roof and thunder roaring in the distant sky.

Storms often evoke a multitude of feelings in me. I am in awe of the majesty of the sound of the thunder, of the steady pour of the rain, and the healing and growth that it can bring. But I also have a tendency to see the gray clouds and miss the sunshine. I hear the thunder and memories of storms past flash through my mind. Lightning that strikes can cause a forest to catch fire and become engulfed in flames. The same rain that brings life to all manner of trees and crops can cause floods that bring utter destruction. And the winds can whip the clouds into a frenzy that forms a tornado that can destroy a home in a matter of seconds.

The rain this morning seemed like it would never end. It came down swiftly and relentlessly. I pictured running through the downpour and getting drenched and being miserable for the entire day. It made me think of life and how it often has storms of its own, and how it can leave me feeling like I'm drowning and out of control.

It's so easy to look at all the negative things in life and think that life is no more than one storm after another. But the truth is that at some point all storms will end. Like the one this morning. The rain began to slow, and the thunder began to recede. Eventually the storm and all traces of it were gone for good. The sun peeked out through the clouds, even though it was ever so slightly. Hope works like that. In the midst of the most horrendous crises in life, it is inevitable that there will be bright spots. That there will be times when we will laugh and love. That we will see that life isn't all bad, but that there are moments that bring joy, whether they be short glimpses or long intervals.

Even after the worst storm has begun to pass, it is possible that you will see one of the most beautiful and awe-inspiring sights imaginable. The rainbow reminds us that even after havoc has been wrought in our lives, there is beauty that can come from it. All you have to do is look for it.....

Take It Or Leave It

For most of my life I've lived in the shadow of other people. I've compared myself to this person or that person, never believing that I quite measured up. But to what standards? The answer is to those that are impossible for any human being to measure up to. I have taken images of people that seem to have it all together. I have gathered these bits and pieces from various people and pasted them together to make a collage of virtual impossibility of perfection, and then hung it on the bulletin board of my mind so that I could become that perfect individual.

When I take a deeper look at those seemingly perfect individuals, I have been confronted with a striking truth. No one person is perfect. No one person has it all together. It would seem that after the number of years I have been on this earth that I would be aware of this. But, it's funny how I, and other individuals like myself, can be so easily deceived into thinking that they have to fit someone else's idea of what the perfect person is to be accepted and loved. WHATEVER!!

I want my kids to learn early on that it's ok to be who you are. I want them to be able to look at themselves in an open and honest manner and see their positives and their negatives. I want them to be able to use the strengths and the gifts that they've been given to their fullest potential. But I also want them to admit their weaknesses openly and to try to make changes and improvements where necessary. I don't want them to be afraid to fail, because at some time, or many times in our lives we all fail. I want more than anything for them to see exactly who they are and be able to love and respect themselves and not give into the temptation to become something they aren't to please someone else. I want them to not make the same mistakes that I have, even though I know that they will make plenty of their own.

I made a list of qualities about myself, both good and bad, and things that just are who I am. I made this list in hopes that someday soon my children will see this honest evaluation of myself, and be able to do the same for themselves.

I am mother, sister, daughter, grand-daughter,niece, aunt, friend, and soon to be ex-wife. I am an emotional roller coaster. I cry one minute and laugh the next. I lose my temper and then I learn how to control my anger. I hurt for myself and I hurt for other people's pain. I expect too much and I expect too little. I am a singer and a writer. I believe in others but don't believe in myself. I am a believer but I get caught up in sin. I am intelligent yet sometimes foolish. I love deeply. I build walls to protect myself when I am hurt by someone which causes me to be unable to love the way that I am called to. I forgive but then I don't always forget. I am weak, and then I am strong. I depend on myself too often. I have a difficult time trusting others. At the end of my life I want to be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to be the best person that I could be, even though I know I won't ever be able to do everything right.

This is the person that I am with all my strengths and weaknesses. Either people will love me for who I am, or they won't love me at all. And either way, I will be ok with that. Someday I hope that my kids will be able to come to terms with who they are, the good and the bad. And I hope that they will be able to stand up for themselves when someone wants to change them for their own gain, and say, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it."

I Don't Know

I think, therefore I must ask "why".

Well, maybe I don't really have to ask why, but that is the nature of my beast. I am a need to know kind of person. If something doesn't make sense to me, I will dig and prod and poke around and then dig some more until I find my answer. Sometimes the answer satisfies me, and sometimes it doesn't. And if, by some chance, I cannot find an answer, I will inevitably torture myself by running the "what-if's" and "how can that be" 's in a maddening, never-ending circle until I've made myself dizzy with the senselessness of it all. You would think by now that I would stop this relentess run on the hamster-wheel of the quest for answers. I can only hope that someday I will...

One of my biggest struggles is with the matter of feelings. I have so many thoughts on this subject, and one question leads to another, to another, and to another until I end up like a cat chasing my own tail. To get a better picture of how my complicated mind works, here are a few of the questions and/ or thoughts that compete for my attention:

Question: Why do I have feelings that allow me to feel pain and suffering? Thought: But if I didn't feel those things then I wouldn't have compassion for people who are suffering. Thought: I can't always trust my feelings because they can be misleading. Question: Then why do I have feelings in the first place? Question: What is the purpose for these feelings if they can cause me to be so misguided? Thought: But if I didn't have feelings, then I wouldn't be the person that I was meant to be. They are a huge part of what makes me who I am. I think and I feel everything from the very deepest parts of my being.

I think it is evident now that I can exhaust myself by allowing my mind to roam freely. The truth of the matter is that these are all valid questions and thoughts. The problem, however, is that I can ask these questions til I'm blue in the face and I still won't come up with the answer to my "why"'s. At least not for now, and maybe I never will have them.

There are times when my kids will come to me with questions or dilemmas. For the most part I am able to use the experiences I have had in my own life to instruct or answer them. But there are times when they have questions that I just don't have an answer for. To be honest, I have struggled with this. I feel that as their mom I should be able to provide wisdom for them. But, how am I to do that when I don't even understand everything? In a way it's kind of scary knowing that I'm trying to raise children while I'm still groping my way around in the dark. But then again, it's not really that scary. Because I have learned that I can use one little phrase, and that there is nothing wrong with having to use it at times. The phrase? "I DON'T KNOW".

I have come to the conclusion that it's ok to admit that I don't have all the answers. I can admit that to my kids, and I can admit that to myself and to anyone else who is willing to listen. I am human, and I can't possibly know everything there is to know. And even more, I can't drive myself batty worrying about why things are the way they are and trying to make sure that all the puzzle pieces fit neatly into place. Life is not like that. If we were supposed to know everything we would. And the thing is, I am learning to accept that I can put my mind to rest knowing that even though I don't know all the answers, there is Someone who does. I want my kids to grow up knowing that they aren't expected to be perfect; that there are going to be things for the rest of their lives that they will puzzle over. But my hope is that they won't be as entangled in the trap of believing that they have to have answers for everything. There is such freedom in being able to say, "I DON'T KNOW".

The End of the Road

It will never cease to amaze me how one single day can have so many ups and downs. How so many emotions can be felt within a matter of hours, or sometimes even mintues.

Those who know me best are keenly aware of my already emotional nature. To be completely honest, sometimes it drives me batty that I can laugh one minute and then cry the next. And I am often carried away by my emotions. (I am learning that there are times when it's a good thing that I feel so deeply. But I have to be cautious about being ruled by my feelings too.)

Today my emotions got taken for quite a ride. To start out with as I was driving to drop off Meg and then on my way to work, I remember feeling thankful that I was not one of many cars that I saw in the ditch due to poor driving conditions. And yet, as I pulled into work and went running to the time clock, only to punch in a minute late, I was griping instead of being thankful that I had made it safe and sound. But it's funny, now that I think about it, because as I was driving, I remember thinking how it could only take a second, and I could get into a wreck and then nothing else that was going on in my life would matter because my life could be over just that quickly. But I'll come back to that.....

As the morning went on, I found that I was very much enjoying myself talking with the people that I work with, and just being thankful that I have work to do and a good place to do that work in. Then the worry of driving again in poor conditions. Next stop is picking up the kids and laughing my head off at a silly friend. Then comes a call where I get my rear end chewed off for nothing. And tears, streaming down my face from the sadness that turn into tears of gratitude when I hear a song that reminds me of God's unending and undeserved love for me. And then the tears of sadness again as thoughts of how I want my life to be enter the picture. And still crying, I pull up to the mailbox, find a Christmas card from a "Secret Santa" who has sent an unexpected gift, at which time the tears change from tears of sadness to tears of utter thankfulness. (By the way, I pray that whoever the Secret Santa may be, and all of the people who have helped me out in so many ways will be blessed immeasurably!) Later still, as I am shoveling, I am heavy-hearted at the thought of bearing burdens alone.

But then a moment of clarity comes, and I am reminded of a chapter in Ecclesiastes that my mom had suggested that I read. Chapter 9 verses 7,10,11, and 12 say this: "Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working or planning nor knowledge nor wisdom. I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all. Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come..."

That last verse is the a truth we all have to face. There will be an end of the road. No question about it. And all of the things that happen in a given day are just the twists and turns that occur in any road. The most important thing, I have come to realize, is that no matter what each bend in the road brings, it's how I deal with it that matters. I want to take each moment and live it to the fullest, whether I'm laughing or crying, loving or angry, or anything in between. Because each moment is a gift, and I can choose to see all the good God has given me no matter what my situation is. My greatest desire is that I hope that people will see by what God has done in my life that there is a Father in Heaven who wants to know them and love them too. And that the end of this road really is only the beginning....

Somebody's Nobody

I've been reading a book lately by Frank Peretti. It's called the Prophet. I've actually read this one before, but I have a tendency to go back and reread books that I love. And this was one of the ones that I loved!!! As you will see as I write more, I do not believe for a second that the timing of my re-reading this book is a coincidence!

The main character, John Barrett, is a news anchor, and he lives a life that is socially acceptable. His father, John Sr., is a Christian, and he speaks out against things that he knows are wrong in God's eyes. So needless to say, they don't agree on many things, and don't spend much time together. Jr. is often embarassed by the actions and words of his father, until one day his father dies and he starts digging into the details of his father's life. In his quest to find out who his father really was, he begins to see things from his Dad's point of view. Especially because somewhere along his journey to find things he didn't know, he starts to hear voices. What he hears are things that no one else can hear. There are cries of anguish and sorrow and loneliness that come from the very depths of the human heart. He hears things that in reality only God knows.

I myself know those cries, the ones that if one could actually hear them, would pierce even the hardest of hearts. Because I have felt the loneliness, the hopelessness, the agony of loss, the horrors caused by greed and selfishness. And in such a big world, who am I but a speck, a nobody. I've seen the eyes of others, and I know that I am not the only one to ever feel this way. Eyes are the windows to the soul. And even if a person's face holds a smile, underneath, every single one of us holds pain that is unspeakable to bear by ourselves alone.

You see, the truth is, that I am not nobody because I belong to Somebody. And He sees all the hurt that I try to hide from everyone else. He sees when I am crying on the inside, but have to smile because it is not the time or the place to allow for weakness to show. He knows when I am at the end of myself, when I am so weak from grief that I can go no further, and gives me strength to go on when I can't do it alone. Psalm 142: 1-3 says, "I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before Him; before Him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who knows my way." Isaiah 40:28-31 says, "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I may feel alone, but I'm not. And sometimes I feel like I don't matter, but I do. To God. And so does everyone else that ever was, is now, or ever will be. Song of Songs 8:6 & & 7 says, "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." He knows everything about us, our hopes, cares, worries, pain, and all of our mistakes. And He still loves us. We have the priveledge of being offered the gift of becoming a child of God. Nobody can love us better than He can!