Death of a Dream

I feel like my life makes no sense. Everything around me is in complete and utter chaos. I see all the events of my life happening before my eyes and I feel as if I'm just along for the ride. I'm trying to reach out and grab hold of something so that I can have some control over even the tiniest bit of my life. Maybe it's just because things aren't going the way that I want them to. And I want them to be different, but I can't do a thing to change what is happening here and now.

So what do I do now? I guess this is the time where I learn how to let go. Because holding on to what I've hoped my life would be is getting me nowhere!

I read in Genesis 22 about God testing Abraham. God had given him a son and promised that through him He would make Abraham's descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky. How Abraham must have rejoiced as he raised the son that would someday become the fulfillment of God's promise. I imagine Abraham telling Isaac the story of how Sara had given birth to him at an old age when it should have been all but impossible for her. I can picture Abraham revealing God's plan to bless all nations through Isaac.

And then I imagine how his jaw must have hit the ground when God told him in verse 2, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about." I can hear the thoughts in his head: "But you promised that he would be the child through whom all future generations would be blessed! And he's my son! How can I do this thing you're asking me to do God?"

I haven't been asked to sacrifice a child, but I have been asked to sacrifice my hopes and dreams when it comes to my marriage. I had plans. I could picture growing old with my husband. I didn't expect a fairy tale, but I sure didn't expect what I got! Failure. Horrible disappointment. Broken family. Sleepless nights. Unanswered questions. Crying uncontrollably at the most inconvenient of times. Praying and praying for change with no change in the forseen future. At least not the one that I wanted. I've been thinking, "But God, you said that you hate divorce and I know that you don't want to see families broken apart like this! How can I be losing something that I've worked and prayed so hard for?"

So I've come to this conclusion: This is where I let my dream die. Just like Abraham gave up the right to his son. Genesis 22:9&10 says, "When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son...." Abraham was willing to let his dream of the promise God gave him die right along with his son. Why? Not because he didn't love his son, and not because God didn't love them both. But because Abraham knew that God was faithful, and if God had promised that nations would be blessed through Isaac, then He would fulfill that promise. Even if it meant that maybe God would have to raise him from the dead. And that was all that God wanted from Abraham..... to know that Abraham was willing to give up even the one that was the most precious to him so that God's perfect plan could be fulfilled. Abraham knew that God could be trusted with every detail of his life.

Genesis 22:11-13 say, "But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, 'Abraham! Abraham!' 'Here I am', he replied. 'Do not lay a hand on the boy,' he said. 'Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.' Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son."

I choose to follow in Abraham's footsteps. I will place my marriage on the altar of sacrifice to God. I honestly don't know if God will provide a miracle like he did with Isaac. All I know is that one way or the other, the dream that I had for my marriage is dead and gone. If God so chooses to restore my marriage, I want it to be what He has planned for it. And if He doesn't then I know whatever he brings from the ashes of my sacrifice will be more beautiful than anything I could have ever dreamed of!!!!!

Dear God, please take this broken but willing heart of mine and do with it as you please. I am human and I struggle with wanting answers, but I know like Abraham, that you know things and have plans that I can't possibly conceive of. Help me to trust you even when I see my dreams going up in smoke in front of me! AMEN!!