Conflicted

Well, here I sit. This is the first time that I have ever blogged. This is also the first time that I've written anything in months and months. And to be honest, I am already "conflicted". I have no idea where to start with all of the ideas floating around in my head. I am frustrated because I know what I want to write about, but have no idea whatsoever how to begin.

This seems to be an issue for me in my everyday life as well. I know what I want to do, and I'm all ready to dive in and do it, but then I'm not quite sure where to start.

Take for instance this situation that I'm in with Tim. My flesh wants absolutely nothing to do with these circumstances! I didn't choose to be tossed away like a piece of garbage! I didn't choose to have most of the responsibilities of this family dumped on me! I didn't choose to have a husband only love me when it's convenient for him! Or have him expect the world from me, but then not want to give of himself in return! I am angry and hurt and rejected!

Then, through some gentle prodding from a friend, I am made aware that God has a purpose even in circumstances that seem the most hopeless. God can use this time that Tim and I are separated to heal me and grow me. And I hope that in the process that the Holy Spirit will be at work in Tim's heart as well. And the kids'. I know that God promised that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. So I cling to that...

Ah, but alas, I am still but a mere human being. So still clinging to some of my fleshly ways, I begin to grow impatient. "God, it's already been a week, and he's getting more and more comfortable in that apartment of his." "God, now it's been two weeks and he's got his own washer and dryer. He doesn't need me anymore." "Lord, it's been three weeks and sometimes when I talk to him I think that there might be hope for us yet. But then again, sometimes he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me! It doesn't seem like he'll ever change!" "God, it's been almost a month... I had hoped that maybe things would be different- even just a little. But they're not! I didn't think that it would take so long!!! I'm not a patient person Lord!"

Then once again I realize that God is doing a new thing. And I want Him to do what He knows is best, but then again, I want things to be all smooth sailing. But they're not!!! So you can see why I say that I am conflicted! I want what God wants, but I still want what I want!!!

I was reading in Job chapter 11 a couple of nights ago and I saw myself just like I was looking in a mirror. I am Job complaining and angry at God for allowing this to happen to me. I am Job wanting to just lie down and go to sleep and have it be all over with. I am Job wondering at times why if I have a life like this was I allowed to be born in the first place... (All of that is in chapter 10 by the way!) As I read on in the response of Zophar to Job in chapter 11, I felt that God was swiftly putting me in my place!! Here are the words that were my strong reminder of just exactly who I am and how what I think I know doesn't even scratch the surface of God's wisdom.....

Job 11:7-20 says "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens- what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave- what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea. If He comes along and confines you in a prison and convenes a court, who can oppose Him? Surely He recognizes deceitful men; and when He sees evil, does He not take note? But a witless man can no more become wise than a wild donkey's colt can be born a man. Yet if you devote your heart to Him and stretch out your hands to Him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than the noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor. But the eyes of the wicked will fail, and escape will elude them; their hope will become a dying gasp."

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that I really have no reason at all to be conflicted. I am but flesh and blood with no wisdom beyond that which God has already given me. Though I am really nothing in comparison with God, He has chosen to call me His own. He has promised that He has a plan for my life. In spite of the fact that I am sinful and full of my own selfish desires.

Lord I pray that you help me to no longer be conflicted. I ask that you will help me to trust and believe in you with all that I am. I ask that you will help me know exactly what you want me to do and when. I pray that I will no longer live in fear of what is unknown to me.... but that I will dive into the future knowing that you are already there! Thank you Lord for your promise that you will never leave me or forsake me. May my life be an example to others of what it means to live in complete faith and obedience to you!! AMEN!!!