On the Front Lines

These last few days have been such a rollercoaster! Two days ago was my 10th Anniversary, which I spent alone. (Although I have to say that God allowed me to be very productive in painting that night!) It sure wasn't how I would have liked the day to be. I'm forgetting though to mention the positive things. I received a compliment and Tim bought me lunch that ended up being my dinner. So as my friend pointed out, God blessed me in spite of the circumstances. The next day Tim ended up spending time with the kids and I-alot longer than I expected- and it was a very good day. We talked and got along well, and even figured out some changes that we may have to make regarding our finances. It was great to talk things out and come to a decision together!! Then there is today. Church was great, but then the rest of the day I spent grocery shopping and cleaning like a crazy woman!! I felt so alone and overwhelmed. And then sad because Tim talked about going to see his mom and nephews and niece, but he would take the kids and not me. So I'm feeling hurt (surprise surprise). And to be honest I'm angry.

I'm angry because I'm still the one putting all the effort into our relationship. And he for the most part could care less. I'm the one who has most of the responsibility while he does whatever he wants whenever he wants.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up! I start thinking that if he really doesn't want me then why should I want him?

Then I remember that my sinful nature is going to want to do what seems the easiest. Of course I don't want to be alone! Most certainly I don't want to have to take care of everything myself! And I don't want to have to wait for him for a long time either! My flesh wants to surrender and accept defeat and move on.

The Holy Spirit that is within me reminds me of the truth of the matter. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." For me that means that what is occuring with Tim may appear to be an open and shut case- He doesn't love me anymore so it's over. But that is exactly what Satan wants. He wants us to divorce! He wants to see our family destroyed! He wants my kids to grow angry and not put their trust in their Heavenly Father! He figures he already manipulated one, so the rest will be easier to take down.

Well, all I have to say is "Not so fast, buddy!". This battle belongs to the Lord!!! Romans 8:37 says, "No, in all these things we are made more than conquerors through Him who loved us.". And that is the promise that I will stand on! There is NO POSSIBLE WAY that I could fight this battle on my own! I'm not strong enough. But God is! Romans 8:31b says, "If God is for us, who can be against us?". That means that even the most deceiving of all deceivers will not win in the end!

I'm on the front lines of this battle. But nothing I say or do on my own will make a bit of difference. I don't intend to just stand by and allow Satan to destroy our family, and possibly my children's trust in God! So I will do my part, the one and only thing that I should do.... Pray without ceasing!!! That is how a battle is won!

Father God,
You know more than anyone all that I have struggled with. You know more than I do all that is at stake. You alone can pursue and break through to the hardest of hearts. So I ask that You help me to get over my own selfish desires and impatience. And I ask that I will step out of the way and let you do the fighting for me! May the outcome of this situation bring glory and honor to your Name! AMEN!